Monday, March 30, 2009

Facebook Things (Alternate title: Hi, I'm Judgy McJudgerson. And you are...?)

  1. I have gotten at least three comments in the past week regarding the giant margarita in my current Facebook profile picture. I don't know what all the fuss is about. The picture in question was taken in Mexico, after all, where margaritas are supposed to be as big as my head. One might argue that Mexico doesn't have to hold the patent on giant margaritas just because Mexico is where the tequila lives, but I'm trying to play by other people's rules here. People like the approximately 85% of my friend list whose profile picture features an infant or small child. I was actually thinking that perhaps I should borrow a baby for my next profile picture just to help me fit in a bit more with that crew. As it is, someone might erroneously believe that I am using tequila as a substitute for a baby. Actually, that would be a fine substitute if you ask me. Most days I would gladly take responsibility for tequila over responsibility for an infant, but I realize that's just me. I shared this train of thought with -R- a while back, and even though she does have her own baby (featured in her Facebook profile pic), she suggested that perhaps her next profile picture would be of her with a giant glass of wine. To which I, of course, replied, "Wine! Ah, yes. My FIRST-born child!" Someday perhaps I'll post a family picture of all three of us.

  2. I think a particular high school acquaintance of mine has decided that Facebook's "What's on your mind?" prompt actually means "Precisely what's on your schedule today?" Every day he updates his status to say, "Chip is at work 7 am to 7 am, on the road 4 to midnight" or "Chip is at work 7 am to 7 am, on the road 3 to 11." I do not even know what this means except that if I wanted to rob his house, I'd have a pretty good shot at knowing when to best attempt that. And by "when," it seems I mean anytime, since he is apparently at work 24 hours every day. Incidentally, his name is not actually Chip. But "Chip" sounds just meathead enough to fit the person in question, and using "Chip" in place of his real name will prevent any of you from finding this particular person in my friends list and friending him yourself just to gain access to these riveting updates.

  3. I have never yet created a Facebook event myself, so when I see invitations for various events, I can't be quite sure which information was entirely host-generated and which was selected from a drop-down list of default options. Is "Party - Night of Mayhem" a standard Facebook descriptor? I sort of hope it is. I also sort of want to use Facebook rather than Evite to invite friends to my next party (privacy and such be damned), because I sort of think perhaps there's not quite enough mayhem in my life. Night of mayhem. Doesn't that sound fun? Maybe not. Hmm.

  4. I keep vowing never to click another silly quiz link that shows up in my news feed. In some foolish and gullible part of me, I would like to believe I might actually learn something interesting or insightful about myself from Facebook's "Who is your soul mate?" or "What color are you?" quiz, but in reality, any quiz that is riddled with spelling and grammar errors or asks me if I enjoy the smell of my own farts (no, really; that was on the "What alcohol are you?" quiz, and I refused to finish the remaining questions on the grounds of that one's ridiculousness) is probably not particularly legitimate. And yet? I keep clicking through, out of curiosity or self-inflicted punishment or simple boredom and lack of motivation to find anything better to do. Today, however, when a Facebook quiz asked me for my perfect choice on a first date and one of the multiple choice answers was "Olive Garden (or another nice place)," I became convinced once and for all that these Facebook quizzes are written by 13-year-olds. Don't get me wrong. I enjoy the $5 bottomless soup, salad, and breadsticks lunch as much as the next girl, but a bottomless soup bowl does not automatically equate to "nice place" in my mind. But then, I am the giant snob who laughed when the bartender at a supper club in my grandma's town pulled a bottle of "Mer-lott" off ice, so maybe I'm the one in the wrong.

  5. Speaking of boredom and pointless curiosity, I've picked up a little hobby that I'm more than a bit ashamed to tell you about. Every few weeks, I like to pull up my ex-boyfriend's new ex-wife's Facebook profile. Once upon a time, I didn't let myself look at it because it only tortured me. Now that I don't give a damn about her, however, I find myself wholly amused by her profile, and viewing it is the sort of smug guilty pleasure that many of you look to reality shows on VH-1 or MTV to satisfy. It started when I realized that she and the man who I suspect was the reason her marriage ended were leaving each other inappropriately suggestive comments in what is essentially a public forum. Seriously, people, there was love poetry. BAD love poetry. The sort of love poetry found in 80s hair band lyrics. Come to think of it, it may have actually been 80s hair band lyrics, as the man in question is 16 years older than she is and was likely driving his mulleted self to Skid Row and Whitesnake concerts while she was playing with My Little Ponies and drinking out of a juice box. Now, however, it's not only the ex-wife and her new boyfriend whose wall posts I look forward to, but I find myself hoping to see an appearance from the ex-wife's friend "Hojanna" as well. I feel a little bit bad making fun of Hojanna, because it's entirely possible she may be "special" in the "air quotes around 'special'" way. Or maybe she is just a very bad speller. ("I saw your changed relationship statice," she wrote recently. "Whoes the new boe?") A very bad speller with a very bad picture. (Is it really possible that the best photo she could find of herself was one with a wide smile but her eyes fully closed?) A bad speller with a bad picture whose view of reality is maybe a little different from my own. ("I have a boyfriend, too!" she posted on the ex-wife's wall. "I met him on [meMarmony]. He lives in Ohio and we haven't met yet, but it's going really well.") Come on, now. Tell me you wouldn't click back on occasion for more of that comedy gold!

22 comments:

steve said...

You getting your Judge on makes for some damn fine reading, Miss McJudgerson.

Also, I'd pick a Margarita over a child every day of the week and twice on Sunday.

3carnations said...

The only thing to put on my list of reasons TO join Facebook: Blog fodder.

nancypearlwannabe said...

Amen on the not updating your Facebook page every two seconds with your daily itinerary. Hello, that is what Twitter is for!

Taking responsibility for tequila does sound far more preferable than taking responsibility for another human life, and it makes me love you more for saying so.

Also, you can bet I would also be checking that woman's FB page daily. "The new boe"! How could you not?

-R- said...

A friend of mine from high school updates her status constantly with things like, "Going to Target," or "Washing dishes," or "Mopping the floor." First, I DON'T CARE. Second, she sounds SO BORING when all she writes about are the chores she does. However, I think her life actually is quite boring, so these probably are the real highlights.

I don't like when someone's Facebook picture is only of his/her kid(s). My picture is at least of my kid AND me. What is even worse is when you get a friend request from someone you has married since you last knew her, so you don't recognize her name, and then you look at her picture, and it's of her dumb kid. How the hell am I supposed to know who she is?

Ok, I'm done now.

PS I almost want to be friends with Hojanna now.

NGS said...

I HATE it when people have just pictures of their kids on their profiles. I don't mind if it's you AND your kid, but just your kid? It's YOUR profile, not baby Alice's. Damn it. However, it's not quite on the level of a pet peeve as people who send those damn photo cards during the holiday seasons with just pictures of their child(ren) on them. I have a million friends with children between the ages of 0-12. How am I to do know who these kids are if the adults aren't attached. Straight into the recycle bin for those cards.

3carnations said...

Wow, NGS. Photo card pet peeve? We (and a ton of other people we know) send cards with just our child's picture on them. Last year we happened to have two pictures, one of just him and one of the 3 of us. That was only because someone happened to take a nice picture of the three of us when we were on vacation. We also put our names on the card, so even if someone doesn't recognize our son, they can read the card and know who it's from. Kind of like getting 6 cards that all have Santa on them - That picture doesn't tell you who it's from either.

courtney said...

The idea of substituting tequila for a baby made me laugh out loud.

I think I'm just going to have to break down and join Facebook. You make it sound way too entertaining to pass up.

Jess said...

You know where else the margaritas are huge? Bowling alleys. For real.

lizgwiz said...

Why don't you just diaper up a giant bottle of liquor and put a bow on its "head"? That'd be a good profile pic.

One of my old high school acquaintance facebook "friends" keeps sending things from the "Panties for your pleasure" application to another old high school acquaintance, who is NOT his wife. I know his wife is on facebook, too, so I assume she must know...maybe it's some big inside joke between the three of them, but...SO GROSS. I mean, there are pictures of "sexy" "panties" that accompany the "gifts." EWWWW.

Shelly said...

I LOVE the wall posts from your ex's ex. Please post more of them!

Anonymous said...

I love the margarita picture, but it reminds me that I've been wanting to tell you that in your pictures you put off a very distinct "youthful" image. You should own your femininity and work some bangs and ditch the pony-tails. (Please forgive the bad spelling and grammar.)

I'm not leaving my real name because it's tied to a personal blog that I don't want the world viewing and I'm too lazy to log in under a different profile.

Anyway, I love your blog and you seem like a really cool person. But I think you need bangs and to look more grown up. :-) <-- cheesy, "i hope i'm not offending you, it's out of lurve, smile"

:-) <-- there it is again.

Alice said...

dude, i'm with -R-... i want to friend hojanna, because DANG.

also, bangs will clearly solve everything. (huh?)

3carnations said...

I actually tend to find that my bangs make me look younger. But I'm okay with looking younger.

Miss Pants said...

Hojanna sounds like a "special" blast!

Sauntering Soul said...

This kind of makes me glad I'm not on Facebook and, at the same time, it kind of makes me want to join tonight.

For the record, I think you look plenty feminine without bangs.

flurrious said...

Well, drinking often leads to pregnancy, so I think you're on the right track.

jennster said...

i freaking hate suckbook. it's so annoying and i feel like if you aren't on it 24 hours a day, YOU MISS EVERYTHING. but in an annoying way. like i will have missed the fact that 20 people updated their status to "going to pick up the kids." "the kids are home" "kids are eating snacks" "going #2" and shit like that that really.. i don't care about.

that margarita by the way? perfect size. wtf. lol

Stefanie said...

Steve--Amen to that, right? (No offense to any parents, of course. Someone's gotta do it!)

3Cs--It's a totally valid reason, actually. There's plenty of material ripe for the picking.

NPW--Thank you! Every time I look, I think about the absurdity of my looking, but it's that train wreck phenomenon! I can't look away!

R--I should have actually clarified that your picture is of your baby AND you. Because I'm totally with you on that one. Using your kids' picture as your Facebook profile picture is entirely annoying. On a related note, my little sister changed her profile pic for a while to a picture of her at age three, with a box on her head. It was adorable (it is one of my favorite pictures of her), but I did wonder how many people from her long-ago past saw that picture and assumed it was her (imaginary) daughter and not her.

NGS--I am pretty much with you on both counts, but without quite the ire you've stirred up. :-) Also, photo cards are recyclable? Really??

3Cs--I wouldn't call it a pet peeve, but I do think NGS has a valid point. I have several friends who I haven't seen in years but still get Christmas cards from, and I would love to see a picture of THEM, not just of their child. Of course, it is their card, not mine, so it's totally their decision what photo (if any) to include. I've never actually included a photo of myself (or of me and my two children, wine and tequila) with my Christmas cards, so it's really not my call what anyone else should send. :-)

Courtney--Despite all the absurdity, I do like to think the advantages still outweigh the disadvantages, but it's entirely possible I just don't want to feel left out.

Jess--I don't think I've ever had a margarita in a bowling alley. I have had a Long Island Iced Tea there, though, and if those were any gauge, you are correct.

Liz--I am happy and relieved to say I have never yet seen any postings or requests from THAT particular application. I'm sure it's just a matter of time, though. Ugh.

Shelly--You are totally an enabler for this bad habit, you know. (Thank you for that.) :-)

Anonymous--I'm not even sure what to say to that. I look too young? Um... thank you? I've actually had bangs for most of my life (just not most of my blogging life), and I think I look YOUNGER with them. I should probably have bangs because of my high forehead and face shape, but having bangs to look older never would have occurred to me.

Alice--Now you guys are making me want to friend that weirdo. Considering I just got a friend request from a total stranger today, it's entirely possible she'd accept, no?

3Cs--Me too (on both counts). :-)

Pants--I do totally wish her profile were public (like the ex-wife's is). Just imagine all the mock-worthy things I'd likely see there!

SS--It IS a love/hate relationship, I will admit. And thank you. :-)

Flurrious--I'm pretty sure I'd also need to add a man to the mix to reach that destination, so I think I'm still in the clear for now.

Jennster--I know, right? Tiny margaritas? What's the point?

Sarah B. said...

As a mom, I have days that I would prefer the huge margarita. Love my kid, but love the yummy tequilla goodness some days, too!

Anonymous said...

It's me "Anonymous" again... but you can call me BangGirl (uhhhh?)

I TOTALLY didn't mean to offend, and do hope my comment wasn't off-putting.

I do realize that I may have done something that really bugs me... offer an opinion when one wasn't asked. Whoops.

You're adorable, bangs or not. I'll keep my hair advice when asked in the future.

Poppy said...

I love the photo of you with the margarita.

I do not love how accessible my ex-boyfriends consider me simply because I am on Facebook. I've had two apology emails and one backstabby apology email that was just a trap so that he could tell me what a horrible person I am for being mad at me that he cheated on me. Fuckhead. (Him, not you!)

Poppy said...

*mad at HIM

Proofreading is my special-ity, really.