You know, I think that of all the monster cereal mascots, Frankenberry is the most difficult to explain. BooBerry's backstory is pretty easy to figure out: He was a man out picking blueberries for his morning breakfast and got mauled to death by a grizzly bear. Now his ghost is carrying out his unfinished business by infusing the blueberries INTO the cereal so others won't befall the same fate. That's quite altruistic for a spirit who died a violent death, you must admit. Not like those catty Japanese ghosts with the unkempt hair.
Count Chocula is clearly a reformed vampire who joined a 12-step group like Blood Drinkers Anonymous and was taught that it was OK to replace one crippling addiction with another. Hey, whatever works for him.
But Frankenberry, my GOD. So we're to assume that a mad scientist dug up some graves, stole several corpses, stitched various body parts together, then reanimated dead flesh so his unholy creation......... could hock strawberry cereal? And if that's the case, why the HELL did the scientist feel the need to attach a steam whistle to his head? I mean, does this make sense to ANY of you??
So ladies, if you think I'm compelling now, just wait 'til you get some liquor in me.
Oh, I almost forgot. I'm looking for a woman to date and stuff. So write me and maybe we can discuss deep meaningful issues over a nice bottle of, um, chianti.
I do realize, by the way, that posting this on the Internet is very likely a bad, bad idea. But is Bachelor #347 really going to Google his profile responses to see if his words have been published anywhere else? Let's hope not. If nothing else, I will find out if my two friends who are lurking on the same site have been Hotlisted or winked at Mr. Big Questions as well. It's important to know these things, after all. If someone's going to Hotlist me, I'd like to know that it means something, that I'm special in some way. (You know, in as much as receiving a pre-approved credit card offer from Chase makes me feel special, or being called for a donation from the Minneapolis Fireman's Ball does. It's all about the small things, isn't it?)
I can say this for sure: I never saw this sort of originality on meMarmony. (Wait. Scratch that. I never saw originality that didn't frighten or entirely confuse me.) Of course, meMarmony guys actually EMAILED me rather than just passively Hotlisting me and waiting for ME to step up. It's a trade-off, I suppose.