Friday, May 22, 2009

Maybe the helpful gnome who fixed my shovel does extermination work as well?

Do you remember all that time and effort I spent last year turning my dirty, cluttered, long-neglected basement into a welcoming and party-friendly rumpus room? Well, I'm glad I enjoyed it while it lasted, because I may never go into my basement again.

This might be a problem, given that my basement is where several very useful things are stored, including my washer and dryer and much of my camping gear, not to mention several key articles of clothing that I have not yet retrieved from my drying racks since the last time I did laundry. These are all problems I will have to work around, however, because a giant bug has taken up residence down there, and I'm pretty sure I would rather just let him have the place than take him on without backup.

Seriously, people, this is no ordinary bug. I cannot squash this bug with my foot, because he may actually be larger than my foot. I've decided to name him Samsa. As in Gregor. Maybe if I'm lucky, he will, like his namesake, recognize the burden he's placed on me and starve himself, and I can have my laundry room back again. Here's hoping.

It's possible, of course, that I'm overreacting, but given that my day started by realizing I was sharing my shower with a spider, it only stands to reason that the added trauma of the enormous bug in my basement the very same day would leave me a bit ill at ease. A spider in the shower, by the way, is horrifying enough when you're wet and naked, but it makes me feel even more vulnerable given that I am essentially blind without my glasses, and since I don’t generally shower in my glasses, I nearly didn't even see the spider spying on me. Shudder.

In a strange way, it is almost (ALMOST) comforting to see other living things in my home. I am lucky enough to have had very few problems with pests indoors; I have lived in that house for over five years and have not once seen a... a... I'm sorry; I can't even type it for fear of jinxing myself and finding one of those small critters that starts with "m" and rhymes with "blouse," so let's just move on, shall we? But since my suspicious nature sometimes makes me take a good thing and twist it into something absurd, I have occasionally wondered if there is some reason my house has so few pests. It's certainly not my fastidious housekeeping, so it must be something in the air. Among the many ridiculous theories my overactive imagination has spun, this canary-in-the-coal-mine correlation between the lack of bugs in my house and the belief that my house might be slowing killing me surely ranks near the top. I may have actually written about this once already, though. Yep. I did. No sense bringing it up yet again.

So I'm trying to put both Samsa and the spider and whatever other unknown stowaways I may be harboring out of my mind by thinking of happier, more positive things. You know, like puppies and rainbows and unicorns, and more importantly, the three-day weekend ahead. A weekend that I will spend largely at home... a home that may either be infested with pests or slowly killing me. This positive thoughts thing isn't exactly working as planned, is it? Tell me, what's terrifying you lately?

13 comments:

Jess said...

I'm sorry. I can't read about bugs. I had to stop reading this post halfway through. I suggest you move out. That's what I would do.

badger reader said...

My landlord actually catches varmin outside the house. Apparently they are not even allowed in the yard. I have plenty of spider issues in spring and fall, though thankfully I can see in the shower. Let's just say ceiling vents are not my friend some days when it comes to suspended insects...

flurrious said...

I found a giant slug on my porch a couple of days ago. I'm still a little jittery over that.

Shana said...

Recent wave of sneaky, scary-fast spiders; recurrence of chronic depression; return of insane Oklahoma summer heat. Yeehaw!

So, how big is this bug, really? Like, measurements? It's helpful to have this info, in order to properly commiserate/help you freak out.

Just moved into a new house, bought from old people who hadn't been able to maintain it in a few years. Have found out that, joy of joys, it's majorly roach-infested. I was reading, the other day, and felt a creepy-crawly. I knew there were oodles of bugs, but am still waiting on bug guy, and told myself it was just paranoia. Then it happened again. Roach crawling on me. If this place were more than one story, I'd be happy to give them one. :)

In short, I feel you. Also, it's summer -- WHY ALWAYS WITH THE BUGS OMG?! Ack.

Monkey said...

I know you are green and awesome- but, let me tell you about our exterminator. We live in the woods- the real woods with coyotes in the yard and animal fights on the deck. Needless to say, the outside is always trying to get in. We almost had to move (for real) because I had such a break down due to fears of spiders, mystery mice (that got in my PURSE and ate my holiday fudge) and bugs that were entirely of my own imagination.

The exterminators fixed all of that. It does not cost as much as you think. They figure out what you need and how often to come.
Want more info? Let me know. And hang tough, I know the trauma.

Heather said...

Mouse and blouse totally dont rhyme with my accent lol.

-R- said...

I'm not scared of spiders, but seeing them in the bathtub or shower is always scary. Especially since I'm blind without my contacts/glasses as well.

LiLu said...

It's an ROUS!!!

3carnations said...

A bug that big should be paying you rent. I think you need to confront him about this.

lizgwiz said...

I have no problem with bugs for the most part--I have happily shared my shower with spiders. As long as they're the modest little brown house spiders who stay tucked away in the corners. If they're the big, long-legged spiders who dash about--well then, those get magically transported outside in a paper towel or a cup. Even I have my limits.

I do occasionally get an invasion of large water bugs in my kitchen pantry. I apologize to my inner non-killing Buddhist...and then I put out those little bait traps. I acknowledge their right to exist, but they need to keep out of my food.

Sauntering Soul said...

Ewwww! I can't handle bugs at all.

The exterminator who used to treat my house would call me when he was close to my house and I would leave work and meet him to let him in. One day he got there a couple of minutes before I did and asked me if I was having a problem with roaches. Thankfully, I never have. He said when he was in his truck sitting in my driveway he could see them falling out of the trees in my yard. I almost moved out.

But then I survived a foot long rat in my kitchen a couple of years ago and I've stayed because I can't think of much worse than that to deal with.

Courtney said...

Yeesh. That sounds exceedingly unpleasant, but I'd take a spider over the mice that may or may not infest our cabin this summer. I'm all for equality of the sexes, but squishing large bugs and disposing of dead rodents fall squarely in the realm of boys' jobs.

togethertheycome said...

I wonder if Samsa is the one "fixing" everything. It's not impossible. Gnomes are helpful but they are usually very still.