Tuesday, August 19, 2008

In which you either wish I watched the news more often or you thank your lucky stars that I don't

Some people are under the misguided notion that I'm one of those responsible, socially conscious adults who actually makes a point to know what's going on in the world. Some people are obviously wrong. In truth, I'm slightly ashamed to admit that if it's not listed on Salon.com's home page or rattled off in the 30-seconds of news highlights between song sets on The Current, there's a good chance I won't hear about it. Oh. Unless it's a day when I actually catch The Daily Show. If Jon Stewart mentions it, I might hear about it, too. (What? Jon Stewart is a totally valid form of “real” news. The Internet says so.)

What I'm saying is it's entirely possible that something very big could have happened in my city, my nation, or the world today, and I would know absolutely nothing about it. I do know, however, that the dolphin show at the Minnesota Zoo has been temporarily canceled because one of the dolphins is pregnant and another dolphin is, and I quote, "acting as though she is." I do know this, because MPR told me this morning.

I realize my imagination might sometimes get the better of me, but when I heard that story, I immediately envisioned Mrs. Krabappel pointing at those dolphins just like she once pointed at Santa's Little Helper and cackling "Ha! She thinks she's people!" And then I thought of that US Weekly column, "Stars! They're just like us!" (They drink coffee! They go shopping! They ignore their kids' temper tantrums in public!) Except instead of stars, it's animals, and instead of "us," it's other people... More specifically, the people on the Jerry Springer show.

Come on... tell me you can't see it... Young dolphin faking a pregnancy to hold onto her man... Subtitles across the bottom of the screen to decipher the dolphin clicks and squeaks: "He my baby daddy, bitch. He don't want you, uh uh!"

Um, yeah. I may need to work on my Jerry Springer guest dialect. Also, I may need to rethink the two-martini breakfast. (Kidding.)

It gets better, though. Not only are the two dolphins in question both "gettin' wit" the same dolphin playah (Seriously, who am I trying to fool with my ridiculous attempts at ghetto slang? I'm as convincing as Ned Flanders in the Springfield Elementary School Fire Safety skit: "What a great pot party! Now for a regular cigarette to make the night complete."), but the pregnant one is actually the not-pregnant one's mother. Come on; you know that's trashy talk show gold right there. "Is your man diddling your mom? Call Jerry now!"

Ahem. It's entirely possible the heat may be getting to me. Or maybe this is just my brain's way of telling me not to watch the news, to relax into a life of blissful ignorance instead.

While I'm on the topic of the absurd ways my brain works, have I mentioned that my sometimes trusty Saturn's air conditioner died recently? It's been rather uncomfortable driving around during the heat wave this week, pleading with the black plastic vents as they shoot slightly warmer than oven-ready air at me, crying, "PLEASE, get cooler?? Please? Please? PLEASE?!" I've decided I refuse to take it in for service just yet, however. Not because I am cheap, lazy, or broke (although I am all, to some degree), but because I am convinced without a doubt that having the air conditioner fixed now will essentially guarantee that my aging Rubbermaid bin on wheels won't make it through the winter. That's an entirely logical rationalization, is it not? I thought so; thank you.

Unfortunately, being trapped in a heat bin for 70 minutes a day makes me cranky (not to mention, if this whole dolphin nonsense is any indication, slightly insane). So let's cross our fingers for a cool front over Minnesota soon, shall we?

17 comments:

steve said...

Dolphins-on-Springer = AWESOME.

Air conditioner = Get ye to an auto parts store, buy yourself a ~$15 can of R134A refrigerant, and follow the directions on the can. It's a 5 minute fix, is only a little bit tougher than putting air in your tires, and can save you a lot of money if the only problem is your car's system is a little low on refrigerant (very likely).

nancypearlwannabe said...

I seem to remember Minnesota having a similarly hot August last year. Maybe it's time to consider the east coast, where today was a balmy 75 degrees?

Just a thought.

flurrious said...

I think the effects of your massage have finally kicked in.

-R- said...

What is with both you and Whiskey Marie wanting colder weather? It didn't get warm at all until June, so I want it to stay around for a while!

Stefanie said...

Steve--Wow; thanks for the tip! Is it REALLY that easy? (I mean, will the instructions on the can really tell me where to put it, and do you promise I won't break my car if that's not what's wrong with it?) Just checking.

NPW--Plus, the east coast has you and Noelle and Lara. It is tempting, I will admit...

Flurrious--That's certainly a theory...

R--Spoken like a woman with central air and a working AC in her car! OK, seriously, I don't want summer OVER or anything just yet; I just could do without the 90+ degrees. It a lovely 78 or so too much to ask?

Carrieo said...

All you need to do now to cap off this post is go visit the talking dolphin at the Walker. The one you can make say anything you want. You can perfect your jive by practicing on an electronic dolphin. That will make you more sane.

steve said...

stefanie - the idea works just like a can of fix-a-flat. The can's got a little tube with a screw-fitting on the end just like a tire valve. You screw that onto the A/C valve (there is only one it will fit onto), then you open up the can and run your car's A/C. Presto-whammo, the stuff gets sucked into the system.

No possible way to hurt your car, even if it isn't low on refrigerant - it just won't accept any new stuff if it's already full. And the valves are all different size, so the can will only fit on the right valve.

You can always shoot me an email if you've got car questions. (steve at stevelyon dot com)

3carnations said...

Clearly that dolphin is trying to take false advantage of "the pregnancy card". She sees others pampering the other dolphin and is feeling left out.

Neurotic Grad Student said...

I feel so much guilt. I knew not of the pregnant dolphins and the baby daddy scandal. So much for staying on top of important events in my community.

I hate this weather. I hate summer. I would take -10 over this weather so hot I can barely move my body over to the fridge for the fifth gallon of water of the day. So, if the AC were broken in my car, I would whine and make someone else take it in to get fixed, for I am scared of car repair places. (This explains why I have not had working dashboard lights or a working CD player for over two years. I'm pretty sure it's just a fuse, but...scary fixes!!)

lizgwiz said...

My a/c crapped out this summer, too. And I decided not to replace the freon (AGAIN--I just did it last summer), since I couldn't afford to drive with the air on, anyway, with gas prices what they are. Fortunately, the universe sent Oklahoma the weirdest August weather on history. It's COOL here. In AUGUST. That never happens--I fear it's a sign of the approaching apocalypse.

Noelle said...

I have this habit of clicking on the New York Times homepage whenever I'm bored, so that keeps me pretty up-do-date news-wise, but I heard nothing about a pregnant dolphin! So that just goes to show you that it's hard to keep up with the news.

Alice said...

dolphins on springer! LOVE! i think you should email them and suggest it.

uh, i want steve to be my friend in real life. he sounds like he knows what he's talking about.

Aaron said...

I'm totally jealous that your branch of NPR has the similar, catchy sounding MPR acronym. Ours is BPR, which is just stupid.

Other than that, though, East Coast. We got an ocean. Just saying.

Stefanie said...

Carrie--I forgot about that guy! Haven't been to the Walker in a while, I guess.

Steve--I may take you up on that!

3Cs--Good point. Clearly this is all -R-'s fault. ;-)

Grad Student--I would never say I hate summer, and I would still much prefer the heat wave to the -10 days. You hush up, you hear? :-)

Liz--Weird. I'd be worried about the apocalypse theory as well. Would Steve's suggestion work for your car, too, though?

Noelle--Well, it was at the Minnesota Zoo... I can't imagine the NYT likely picked that story up.

Alice--I know, right? He sounds pretty useful.

Aaron--Um, we have lakes! Lots of 'em! OK, you win.

L Sass said...

I love it! Dolphin scandal!

I didn't even know there was a difference between NPR and MPR until college. I just assumed that all the national programming was produced in Minnesota...

Former Saturn owner and former blogger who went by the former name of Maliavale said...

I referred to mine as Tupperware. But not with wheels. That's just classy.

Lara said...

I really, really love your sense of humor, my friend. And you're right - those dolphins are heading right for the Springer show.