Five under Five

Sometimes, my Friday Five topics come easily, just popping into my head at some unexpected moment. Other times, not so much. Usually, I'll just be thinking about some small, not-quite-postworthy-in-itself thing I want to write about (like how tired I am of people who don't understand time zones or how half the men on eHarmony think The Da Vinci Code is great literature), and I'll realize I can swiftly find four other somewhat related trivial things that sufficiently fall in the same category.

This week, however, nothing's really coming to me. Or rather, everything that's come to me is either too boring to bother enumerating in list form or doesn't prompt enough additional thoughts to make it up to five. (This is kind of sad, actually, as the whole reason I started doing the lists of five is that I didn't think I could make it to thirteen.)

Anyway, here instead then are five ideas that didn't make it far enough to be a Friday Five.

Note: Why do I have a feeling this is going to be sort of like the "Deleted Scenes" section of a DVD? You know, where you watch a couple and then say, "Yep; there's a reason they deleted that"? If that is the case, I do apologize, and I assure you I will try to come up with a better list next week.

1. Three things that made me smile this week
   


• Realizing that the new flavor of my trademark lip balm smells like Strawberry Shortcake's friend, Raspberry Tart. Yum. (Yum to the smell, I mean. Not to the idea of actually eating poor Raspberry Tart.)
  


• Seeing, on my way to work today, a bright pink sheet of posterboard proudly advertising the "Sale O' Sales." As a general rule, I'm not much for garage sales (thrift sales, yard sales, rummage sales--whatever you call them in your neck of the woods), but if I were to attend a sale today, I assure you it would be that one. I dig a merchant (amateur or otherwise) with a sense of humor.
  


• Walking into Cub Foods yesterday and remembering that it's Honeycrisp season. Whoo! A fruit to get excited about! A fruit for which to wait all year! Apparently I'm not the only one to get behind the Honeycrisp (as if I had any doubt of that). Wikipedia just told me it is, as of this year, the official state fruit. Who even knew there was such a thing? Yay for the Honeycrisp.




2. Two songs that got unexpectedly yet persistently stuck in my head this week
   


• Sisters, Sisters (by Irving Berlin, featured prominently in White Christmas, a movie that has actually always annoyed me, for reasons I can't really explain). I heard this three days ago, during the hit-or-miss morning show on the ever-surprising and unpredictable grab bag that is The Current, and I woke up this morning still singing in my head, "Lord help the mister who comes between me and my sister, and lord help the sister who comes between me and my man!"
  


• The theme from Three's Company. Thanks for that, -R-.




3. Three responses I have recently given to the question "What's new?"
   


• "Oh, you know. Same old, same old."
  


• "I'm going to New York next month!!"
  


• "There's a new Shawn Douglas on Days."
  
  Anyone want to guess which is the only one of these to garner any additional questions and any reaction other than an eyebrow raise?
  


4. Three things that annoyed me this week
   


• The fact that it is, as my friend Carrie excitedly proclaimed recently, "Skirt and Boot Season," and yet nobody is selling any damn skirts that I like at all. The gauchos that were everywhere last year have been taken in a bit to become some weird cropped trouser things instead, but I still much prefer a skirt to any damn half-pants. You hear me, designers? Skirts, I say!
  


• Gilmore Girls. Two words: Logan. Christopher. Ugh--enough. I'd say, "You're skatin' on thin ice, Palladinos," but even they've washed their hands of this exhausting mess by now, so someone else is to blame for beating these dead horses at the moment. And yet, I will keep watching. We all know that I will. Crack that whip, Gilmores, you've likely got me until the end.
  


• The news that the Republicans have picked St. Paul as the site of their 2008 National Convention. On the other hand, today's email from the Minnesota DFL did amuse me, with its subject line "The Republicans are coming. The Republicans are coming." As did Al Franken's response to the news on The Daily Show the other night. So I suppose it's all about perspective and the right frame of mind (and about having two years to come up with appropriate pranks to pull in honor of their eventual arrival in my town).




5. One reason you should stop by Look at me today
   


• (Aside from the usual reasons, of course--i.e., that he's smart and witty and nearly always entertaining) Because it's Darren's birthday today. But since probably at least half my site traffic originally came from Darren and/or Nabbalicious in the first place, I suspect you already knew that. Still, it bears repeating since he deserves to have a fabulous day. Happy Birthday, Darren!

And that concludes my Friday less-than-fives. Have a great weekend, everyone!

Cleaning lady

I think it's a generally well accepted fact that the best way to wake up muscles you haven't worked recently and essentially shock them into anger, fury, and betrayal is to do some form of exercise you haven't done before, to force your body into something it's not used to. A new student in my yoga class, for example, will come back for Week Two exclaiming, "I was sore in muscles that I didn't even know I had!" I, on the other hand, have been doing yoga for five years, and while this doesn't mean I'm particularly good at it or entirely without strain or pain (on the contrary, after too many chatarangas, I still feel for the next two days like someone's stepped on my collarbone for hours), it is at least a familiar strain and soreness. It doesn't particularly throw me (or my muscles).

You know what I haven't done regularly and my muscles aren't used to, however? Cleaning. Yeah. Apparently cleaning is the way to hurt my body in a way that no machine at the gym and no vinyasa at the yoga center ever does. Give me 30 minutes on the elliptical; no problem. Make me wield a scrub sponge and I'm a wreck.

On Sunday, I cleaned my house properly from, er... I was going to say "from top to bottom," but not only is that trite; it's also untrue. I actually crapped out before getting to the rarely-used guest area upstairs or the mess beneath me in my basement. So really, I just cleaned across the middle and hit the well-trafficked areas on the main level. And by "cleaned them properly," I basically mean I used products and accoutrements other than wet and dry Swiffer. I actually used a mop. Some people would say that's still half-assed (David Sedaris once quoted his family's former cleaning lady, saying "You either want to use a mop or you want a clean floor, but you can't have both), but a mop is "real cleaning" to me.

So, I cleaned my house. I also sealed the many rusting cracks in the molded metal sheet that forms the sad, fake tile of my shower. And then I mowed my lawn, edged my sidewalk, did my laundry, changed my sheets, and emptied the dishwasher as well. And today, two days later, my forearms are still sore, and, when I move my right arm or rotate my shoulder in nearly any direction at all, it actually sort of makes me want to cry.

I am officially a wuss. And a slob. I would never have made it as a pioneer, what with all the beating wet clothes against rocks and plowing the fields with crude equipment and carrying water in from a manual pump outside. And here I was thinking TV and Taco Bell were our primary advantages over our foremothers. God bless my lazy twenty-first century life.

Oy with the poodles already

I don't have a lot going on right now. The evidence? When I woke up this morning, I actually said, in my head, "It's Gilmore Girls premiere day!" And I was excited about it.

I really need to get out more.

It takes all kinds

I don't know whether to be amused or horrified that I'm currently number three in this search.

On a related note, imagine my disappointment that I missed this event. I suppose there's always next year, right?

Friday Five: The one with the free cable*

A couple of months ago, something magical happened in my living room. Or rather, something magical happened somewhere within the mysterious realm of winding black wires that runs from the back of my television set, across my living room, into a hole in the floor, down to my basement, out to the back of my house, and finally to a pole out in the alley. Somewhere within that uneventful path through which my TV friends mysteriously travel, something tripped up or flipped over, and suddenly, without warning, I had real cable in my house.

Dedicated and sharp-memoried readers may remember the milestone day back in January when I finally abandoned the rabbit ears and stepped up to basic cable. Remember how excited I was just to have TBS at my welcome disposal? Imagine my surprise and wonder when suddenly I could make Jon Stewart appear in my living room as well!

Naturally, I was skeptical of the whole event. Just like Joey and Chandler, the time they found a free porn channel and didn't want to turn off the TV for fear that they'd never get it back again ("Then we'd be the guys who turned off free porn!"), I was equally leery about switching off my set. I thought whatever wires had unexpectedly crossed would suddenly cross back again. But I turned off the TV, turned it back on again, and Bravo was still there. So was VH1. And Comedy Central. And HGTV. And the ever amusingly predictable Lifetime Movie Network. All of them, right there, free of charge.

I figured maybe Time Warner was running some sort of trial period promotion and I'd simply missed the mailing about it. You know--trying to hook me on the good stuff so that when they took it away again, I'd miss it and pony up. But a week went by, then two, then several more, and the free cable never vanished from my home. I waited for my next bill, thinking surely some customer service rep screwed up and put in an order for me, and that's how I ended up with the extra lineup. But nope, the bill came--$12 plus tax as usual. With the next bill, it was the same again. Who knows how long my luck will hold out. And more important, what's next? Will my crawl-along dialup connection miraculously change over to high-speed? Will my crappy-ass ancient cell phone suddenly morph into a multi-color display camera flip-phone with nationwide long distance and unlimited free roaming? The possibilities are endless, and the only question is the source of my good fortune. I've long been mocked and chided for my slow adoption of new technology; do I have an anonymous benefactor trying to bring me into the new century a few years late?

Despite how exciting this all is, however, what's surprising to me is how much I have not actually made use of all my new channels. I'm sure part of the problem is I'm just a creature of routine. I know that The Simpsons is on every weekday at 6:00 and 6:30, so if I'm home, I instinctively tune to that without bothering to explore what else might be available. And frankly, 60+ channels can be more than a bit overwhelming. I used to say I didn't need cable, that I watched enough TV without it and that, with cable, there can still be nothing on that I want to watch, but that it just takes four times as long to find that out. Oh, how foolish and wrong-headed I was. Nothing on that I want to watch? When I've got The Lost Boys, Drive Me Crazy, a My Fair Brady marathon, and old episodes of Little House on the Prairie all vying for my attention? Frankly it should be a wonder that I ever leave my house at all.

Still, despite how handy all these channels were during my Hangover Sunday a few weeks back, I really haven't been watching as much cable as I'd expect. For ages now, whenever someone talked about some apparently great and addictive show, I'd say, "Oh, I haven't seen that. I don't have cable." Now I can see that (whatever "that" is at any given time, shows on HBO and other premium channels withstanding), and yet, I'm still not watching them. It's as though I'm forgetting they're even available to me. I haven't even watched The Daily Show more than a handful of times, and I can offer no good or reasonable explanation for that.

Although The Daily Show is, in my mind, the greatest offense in this scenario, there are plenty of other shows that everyone but me is regularly partaking of as well. And with that long and explanatory intro, we finally arrive at my Friday Five.

Five shows I'm pretty sure I'm the only person not watching

1. Laguna Beach
   I'm sorry, but petulant and cosmically self-absorbed teenagers made all the more ego-maniacal by placing their tiny minds and social dramas in front of a gawking nationwide audience? I'm sure it's an addictive sort of train wreck to revel in with glee, but I've long ago kicked my Elimidate addiction, and I don't really need a new reason to hate myself at the moment.
   
   
2. Mythbusters
   I know this will be an unpopular and controversial statement, but, um, I've seen one and a half episodes, and I really don't get the hype. Is this one of those things that grows on you with a little more time, or am I just not nerdy or curious enough to fully appreciate this show? It doesn't really matter, I suppose, as it airs during my weekly yoga class and I'm therefore not apt to catch it unless I take the initiative to tape and watch it later. I'm not ruling out an eventual Mythbusters appreciation entirely, as it comes highly recommended by more than one very trusted and respected source and so I really feel I should give it a chance, but for now, I hate to say it: I'm not sold.
   
   
3. 24
   I know Jack Bauer is some kind of modern superhero or god; I'm just not exactly sure why and I don't particularly care if I find out.
   
   
4. Lost
   Remember when Twin Peaks first started? How it was an intriguing little murder mystery that we just wanted to see through to the resolution? Remember how it was good for a while, with its twists and turns and wacky character development? And then suddenly it was all log ladies and paranormal entities named Bob and "Fire walk with me" and all that? Some people stuck with it until the end. I gave up long before that. I've never seen a full episode of Lost, and yet, based on other people's comments and complaints, I'm pretty sure I'd be similarly frustrated and done with it at this point if I had.
   
   
5. Project Runway. And The Amazing Race. And Survivor. Oh, and Big Brother. Basically, if it falls under the category of the so-called "reality" show, it's probably safe to assume I'm not watching it. I know not all reality shows are inherently meritless and evil; I know they don't all siphon out brain cells the way The Bachelor and Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire surely did, but how do I know Project Runway isn't just a gateway drug to something worse? One day I'm innocently watching a single episode at a time; the next I'll be mainlining TLC marathons, discussing the latest developments on Dancing with the Stars, and desperately seeking out Temptation Island on DVD. Frankly, it's just not a risk I'm ready to take. And so, I stay away. It's just the way it is.
   

-------------------------------------------
* At a loss for a title, I went with a Friends reference here. My other option was to work in some sort of "Please don't tell Time Warner about this" kind of plea, but I'm hoping that goes without saying... Right??

A [not quite] three-hour tour

So apparently it's fall now... For some reason I seem to forget each year just how abruptly it can come about. On Saturday, I was wearing a sleeveless shirt outside at 11:00 pm and didn't even need a sweater. Today it is 62 degrees in my house. Yes, in my house. I am hoping that removing the AC units from my windows so I can shut the window fully and tightly will remedy this cold front in my home, because I am not turning on my heat just yet. Really, why is there just no transition? Yesterday was the first day I finally broke down and put on socks and proper shoes instead of sandals; today I need a coat inside? It's simply just not fair.

Sorry; did I just spend a full paragraph talking about the weather again? I am a Minnesotan, you remember. It seems to happen a lot with us. Anyway, speaking of cold, Poppy had a fine suggestion the other day. Last week's post featuring my pal Noodle atop my fridge prompted her request to see my fridge magnets in full. Since I actually have more on my fridge than in it, her curiosity is understandable, I thought. I aim to please, Poppy, so here you have it: a tour of my fridge decor, in likely more detail than you ever desired.

Note: This is either the start of a new meme or my lamest blog post ever. The choice is up to you. If you want to take this idea and run with it, feel free to publish your own fridge-front as well. If not, don't go browsing through my archives to look for posts lamer than this. I assure you, they exist, and I'd be more than able to point them out for you if you insist.

Anyway, here it is, in all its cluttered wonder: the front of my refrigerator...



You can click that pic for a slightly larger view, but because I had entirely too much time on my hands today, I've also number-coded several items for explanatory aids. (I am a huge nerd, I'm well aware. No need to point it out.)


The tour, then, if you will...

1. I like to think myself a crafty sort of gal. I go in spurts where I decide, "Hey, I could make that!" Occasionally, this plan pans out successfully, but just as often it involves a lot of swearing and complaining and, in general, a time investment that is two to three times my original estimate. For a while, I was really hooked on Craftster, and the fabulously creative folks there inspired me to attempt to make all sorts of things (even furniture and bedding, for example). A few Christmases ago, I decided to try to make as many of my Christmas presents as possible. I started knitting scarves, felted purses, and coasters the preceding July, and miraculously, I finished nearly everything on time. I also supplemented my knitting with marble magnets. Nearly everyone I know got a set. All the extras are still scattered on my fridge.
   
   
2. During my semester abroad, a lot of people I knew bought a flag patch in each country that they visited. The plan was to sew the patches on their backpack later on. I, being ever practical to a fault, realized I likely wouldn't be using my monstrous traveling backpack much upon my return to The States, so I purchased stickers from each country instead. The stickers now adorn the cover of one of my three photo albums from that trip.
   
   A few years ago, I started taking a similar "simpler is best" mindset for souvenirs on all my post-college travels as well. I decided that, unless I saw something that I really, really wanted or found meaningful, the only souvenir I needed from my trips (aside from photos, of course) was a magnet for my fridge. You can see here six such souvenirs: a mini Mona Lisa print from the Andy Warhol museum in Pittsburgh; a replica of a Frank Lloyd Wright stained glass window from Oak Park, Illinois; an ever-so-classy potleaf with "No Problem" message picked up somewhere in Negril; a Heinz 57 pickle magnet from the Heinz museum (also Pittsburgh); a sand sculpture lizard from Cozumel that, frankly, has seen better days (I think I've glued his right lower leg on no less than three times); and a fabulously touristy fake voodoo doll supposedly hand-crafted in New Orleans. I am all about supporting the local artisans, of course, even if it means perpetuating centuries-old stereotypes just for tourism's sake.
   
   
3. The Sculpture Garden's Spoon Bridge and Cherry is one of Minneapolis's most recognizable landmarks. I'd say it is our Statue of Liberty or Gateway Arch, but that might be overstating its importance just a tad. Besides that, we do have the Mall of America, of course, vying for that status as well. Nevertheless, I was indescribably shocked to hear my boss, who has lived in the area for no less than twenty years, say she'd never in her life heard of the thing. Clearly she has never been in my kitchen (or anywhere else in Minneapolis, it would seem).
   
   
4. Chino Latino is a fine, fun restaurant to visit should you ever come this way. I haven't been there in probably four years or more, but each time I drive down Hennepin Avenue, its sparkly glittered facade is still drawing people in. I've acquired at least three magnets there over the years, apparently, as well as two fortune cookie slips that were amusing enough to save indefinitely. The first says "Everything you've ever done is nothing in front of a bus," and the second simply reads, "That wasn't chicken." Considering most fortune cookie manufacturers have taken to publishing meaningless proverbs instead of fake fortunes, I think they could take a cue from whoever makes the cookies for this place.
   
   
5. In the first few years I lived in the Twin Cities, each time my out-of-town friends visited, we would head to Comedy Sportz. Before each show, the cast ambled up and down the aisles pretending to be ball game vendors, but instead of calling out the usual sorts of things (like "Cold Beer Here" or "Get 'yer peanuts"), they'd throw out less conventional things instead. One night, someone shouted, "Letters! Get 'yer letters!" and tossed an "F" my way. The fact that I still have this after at least three moves means I will likely have it for life.
   
   
6. Rosie the Riveter. Do I really need to explain this one? She is, simply, what she is.
   
   
7. At any given time, I have at least three different postcards featured on my fridge. When a friend sends a new one and I don't have a spot to put it or a magnet with which to affix it, I rotate an older one out of its place. Considering the most recent one (from Thailand) has been there over six months, I think my friends are in a dry spell, travel-wise.
   
   
8. Clearly I numbered these before I started writing about them. I already talked about the lizard (see #2).
   
   
9. Once a month the Walker Art Center holds an event called "Walker After Hours." For the low, low price of $14 ($7 if you're a member), you can wander around the galleries either looking at art or looking at all the beautiful people (and wannabe beautiful people) who are pretending to look at art, all whilst sipping overpriced cocktails and clamoring for sporadically distributed hors d'oeuvres. A highlight for me is the art project that's always available on the lower level of the building. The month I created this, they were celebrating the new building expansion, so our instruction was to decorate the building outline with various scraps and colored inks. Since they were heavily promoting the opening, these were meant to be postcards we could mail to our friends, but obviously I decided my hard work should stay at my own house instead.
   
   
10. Have you ever noticed how, once you say you like something, suddenly that thing becomes the default gift from all friends and family members? How suddenly, like it or not, you're building a collection? Somewhere around 1996, I made the mistake of expressing some affinity for sunflowers. I've had this magnet and potholder since shortly thereafter.
    
    
11. Three years ago, I bought a house in Northeast Minneapolis. A few months earlier, my best friend Lisa had moved into a place in the area as well. Since she considered herself an established resident of the neighborhood, this clock magnet was her welcome/congratulations gift to me. I would say it was my favorite housewarming present, but since my sister also collected donations for a dishwasher for my home, you can understand how that's a tough call. Nevertheless, I do still love the clock. It's the last thing I glance at each morning as I rush (typically five minutes late) out the door.
    
    
12. Of course I Voted; didn't you? Oddly, I think this particular sticker is from the time I voted in the least eventful election of my adult life: the September primary of an odd-numbered year. Maybe that's why I decided to keep it, actually.
    
    
13. We don't talk politics when I'm in my parents' house for holidays and vacations. That didn't stop my sister from sticking this in with my Christmas gift last year, however. My Republican father may not appreciate it, but I have no issue at all with displaying George W.'s face beside the message "My daddy bought me an election, and all I got was this lousy war."
    
    
14. Three politics-nerd items in a row? You'd think I was actually volunteering and donating to progressive causes in this important mid-term election season. On the contrary, I felt so defeated after the debacle that was 2004 that I still haven't regained my energy the way I should. Nevertheless, I love this glitter and Barbie decoupage magnet from a gallery near my house, which reads, "Why do we choose from 50 for Miss America and only two for President?"
    
    
15. OK, so I don't really heart Hooters, but I do heart irony, it would seem.
    
    
16. Best radio station ever (and the only one that's ever inspired me to actually place a call-number decal on my car).
    
    
17. Not the best station ever (particularly since it replace the far superior Zone 105, which I still miss), but good in a pinch nonetheless. And they gave me a free magnet, and evidence shows I'll put just about anything magnetic or adhesive on my fridge.
    
    
18. This is not a magnet nor a sticker, but is worth noting anyway, for no other reason than it supports the well-established fact that I am likely the laziest and most procrastination-prone person I know. I received this notice from my health insurance provider damn near a year ago, reminding me that I've not had a tetanus shot in at least ten years. My thought was that if I put it on my fridge, I might remember to do something about it. The reality is that the longer anything hangs there, the more invisible to me it becomes.
    
    
19. I have felt the need to call my next-door neighbor only once since he scrawled down his number for me (which he did the day after my tree fell in his yard, because we assumed we'd have insurance matters to sort out), so I can't really explain why his number* remains on my fridge a year later. I think it just amuses me that he has a name (Lief) that he can express with a doodle. My friend Dale, during a visit several months ago, scoffed at the cutesy-ness of this maneuver, but I could see the gears turning in his head. Having a noun-name himself, I am certain he was trying to come up with a way to draw a dale in place of his name. I should probably check in with him to see if he's made any progress on that.
    
    * I've blurred out the number in this photo, of course. This is the Internet, after all, and I'm not entirely stupid, you see. (I am, however, not as bright as I'd hoped, because I'll admit that masking the number was actually more of an afterthought than it should have been.)
    
    
20. Oddly, I couldn't tell you where the signed copy that I have of this is at the moment. The clearly less valuable unsigned one, however? That I've got displayed in clear view. I got both at a free performance that They Might Be Giants did during the release of their latest children's DVD venture. It still seems odd to me that I saw one of my favorite bands at Barnes & Noble with a bunch of hipster parents and their toddlers, but a free TMBG show is a free TMBG show, and I'm not going to think too hard about that.
    
    
21. I think this is a pig possibly fashioned from a gourd, but I really couldn't tell you for sure. I got it at a lithography demonstration at last year's Northeast Art-a-Whirl, and it's been in that spot ever since.
    
    
22. Again, it seems I didn't really think things through as I numbered. As I mentioned in #2, this is a hokey little fake voodoo doll from some tourist shop in The Big Easy. How do I know it's fake? Because it's labeled "Goddess to find a real man," and clearly, I am still single. I guess I figured it was worth a shot?
    

Also pictured but not labeled are a can opener-shaped magnet that for some reason my little sister thought meaningful and sent me (apparently we used to have an identical one growing up?), a metallic American flag sticker that I did not affix myself but in fact came with the house (along with several other things I should really document for my amusement someday), several bottle cap magnets from the One Spot at Target (I'm not the only one who loves to troll the dollar bin, am I?), and a coupon from Famous Footwear that I will most definitely forget to use.

So there you have it. More than you ever wanted to know about what's in my kitchen. So, tell me... what's on your fridge?