Five ways to make me quickly dismiss your online profile

1. Show no respect whatsoever for proper spelling and grammar. Yes, yes, I do realize I am likely more particular about this than most people, but I assure you that I honestly am reasonably forgiving when it comes to simple typos within e-mail and other informal correspondence. Your online profile is essentially a resume, however--a resume you are submitting as your application for the position of my boyfriend. You wouldn't send a resume without giving it at least a brief once-over to proof for obvious errors, would you? More specifically, you wouldn't send a resume that has a typo in your actual NAME, correct? Sorry; maybe Rnady really is your true and given name and it was overly presumptuous of me to assume that you're a Randy who has simply no attention to detail. Even if that is the case, I'm guessing you didn't really mean to boast about your "clam exterior," though, did you? I can't imagine why you'd think clamminess would be a selling point to potential mates, so I can only assume that you meant "calm." And finally, can we all just learn to spell "friends" already? Repeat after me: "i before e except after c or when sounded like ay as in neighbor or weigh." Learn it, live it, spell it right, OK?
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2. Post a wholly unflattering, inappropriate, or bizarre photo of yourself. I know it's not always easy to find a sharp, clear, recent picture of yourself for use in scenarios such as this. For that reason, I can accept the obviously set up and self-timered pictures of you posing in a suit and tie in your own living room or kitchen. I can even get past the pictures where you've quite obviously cropped out the ex-girlfriend attached to your shoulder. (Better to crop her out than to publish the unsuspecting girl's face on the Internet without her permission, which I've also seen more times than seems reasonable.) I'm not even going to complain if all three of your pictures feature you with a beer or mixed drink in your hand, because I'm well aware that most home photos come from social occasions, and many social occasions involve alcohol. What I cannot, on the other hand, understand, is why, if you're unable to locate an appropriate photo within your personal stash, your next best option would be to use the photo from your ID badge at work. Thanks for captioning it "My work badge photo," because at least that set it apart from a possible mug shot. You could have done worse, I realize. You could have been the guy who posted a possibly naked shot taken in what appeared to be his living room. I don't even care if there actually were pants below the level where the camera cut off. Naked torso in a beach photo is acceptable. Naked torso in your living room is not. It's really a pretty simple rule, I think.
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3. List "Conservatives" as one of the three things for which you're most thankful. That's right, Steve from Prescott, I'm looking at you. Adding "I just don't get those liberals" was an especially nice touch. I'm going to do us both a favor and just close this match right now, OK? Something tells me we probably wouldn't see eye to eye on much.
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4. Tell me that Harry Potter or The Da Vinci Code was your "last great read." OK, maybe this one is a little unfair. I actually won't dismiss you immediately just for listing one of these, but it doesn't exactly highlight your originality or interestingness. Unless you can come up with a remarkably clever way to tell me why either of these was so meaningful to you, you'd be better off mentioning the back of your cereal box.
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5. Include the word "sex" in three separate places within your profile. I'm not saying it's not a valid priority, but can we leave a few things unspoken at least until I know your last name? That'd be great. And less creepy. Thanks.