Friday, August 04, 2006

Five ways to make me quickly dismiss your online profile

  1. Show no respect whatsoever for proper spelling and grammar. Yes, yes, I do realize I am likely more particular about this than most people, but I assure you that I honestly am reasonably forgiving when it comes to simple typos within e-mail and other informal correspondence. Your online profile is essentially a resume, however--a resume you are submitting as your application for the position of my boyfriend. You wouldn't send a resume without giving it at least a brief once-over to proof for obvious errors, would you? More specifically, you wouldn't send a resume that has a typo in your actual NAME, correct? Sorry; maybe Rnady really is your true and given name and it was overly presumptuous of me to assume that you're a Randy who has simply no attention to detail. Even if that is the case, I'm guessing you didn't really mean to boast about your "clam exterior," though, did you? I can't imagine why you'd think clamminess would be a selling point to potential mates, so I can only assume that you meant "calm." And finally, can we all just learn to spell "friends" already? Repeat after me: "i before e except after c or when sounded like ay as in neighbor or weigh." Learn it, live it, spell it right, OK?
  2. Post a wholly unflattering, inappropriate, or bizarre photo of yourself. I know it's not always easy to find a sharp, clear, recent picture of yourself for use in scenarios such as this. For that reason, I can accept the obviously set up and self-timered pictures of you posing in a suit and tie in your own living room or kitchen. I can even get past the pictures where you've quite obviously cropped out the ex-girlfriend attached to your shoulder. (Better to crop her out than to publish the unsuspecting girl's face on the Internet without her permission, which I've also seen more times than seems reasonable.) I'm not even going to complain if all three of your pictures feature you with a beer or mixed drink in your hand, because I'm well aware that most home photos come from social occasions, and many social occasions involve alcohol. What I cannot, on the other hand, understand, is why, if you're unable to locate an appropriate photo within your personal stash, your next best option would be to use the photo from your ID badge at work. Thanks for captioning it "My work badge photo," because at least that set it apart from a possible mug shot. You could have done worse, I realize. You could have been the guy who posted a possibly naked shot taken in what appeared to be his living room. I don't even care if there actually were pants below the level where the camera cut off. Naked torso in a beach photo is acceptable. Naked torso in your living room is not. It's really a pretty simple rule, I think.
  3. List "Conservatives" as one of the three things for which you're most thankful. That's right, Steve from Prescott, I'm looking at you. Adding "I just don't get those liberals" was an especially nice touch. I'm going to do us both a favor and just close this match right now, OK? Something tells me we probably wouldn't see eye to eye on much.
  4. Tell me that Harry Potter or The Da Vinci Code was your "last great read." OK, maybe this one is a little unfair. I actually won't dismiss you immediately just for listing one of these, but it doesn't exactly highlight your originality or interestingness. Unless you can come up with a remarkably clever way to tell me why either of these was so meaningful to you, you'd be better off mentioning the back of your cereal box.
  5. Include the word "sex" in three separate places within your profile. I'm not saying it's not a valid priority, but can we leave a few things unspoken at least until I know your last name? That'd be great. And less creepy. Thanks.


Bob said...

You forgot the ever-present fish photo. "Look ladies, I can catch me a big smelly fish! I bet you want me now!"

stefanie said...

Oh my gosh; you are right, Bob. I have seen many a fish photo! Good call.

Miss Peach said...

I started laughing as soon as I read the title of this post. Hilarious. We don't get the fish shot as much here in NYC, but what irritates me is the way a segment of the guys seem to be walking with Wall Street swagger, listing how their winters normally find them skiing in Gstaad or lounging in the St. Bart's, and they plan on going to Capri this summer in between weekends at their house in the Hamptons. Which, if that's REALLY your life, I suppose I wouldn't mind, um, tagging along. But I don't buy it. And come on, learn how to be subtle, I can already tell you're a materialistic, shallow, and quite possibly arrogant jerk from the outset.

Guinness_Girl said...

HA! Awesome.
Incidentally, I have tagged you (insert evil laugh here).

nabbalicious said...

A guy at work got separated from his wife (they've since reconciled). About five minutes after they split, he had his profile up on Someone overheard him talking about it, so we went looking and found it.

1) He dubbed himself "The Real Deal" in the title.
2) He said he was a very positive person (he's the biggest whiner in the company!).
3) He used his vacant-stared employee directory mug shot as his profile picture.

I know this is getting long, but one more: I once saw the profile of a guy from my gym who has hit on every girl there. He had an array of photos of him either shirtless or in a tank top with a deep scoop neck. I'm not sure which was more offensive to me.

But, hey: If they're doing this crap in the profile, you know right off the bat it isn't going to work, right?

Jurgen Nation said...


I was on off and on for a bit and SWEET JESUS. Hey, guys who take pictures of themselves flexing with no shirt on? Doesn't work, pals. Ugh!

stefanie said...

Miss Peach--Ugh. Yeah, I haven't seen a lot of that breed of pretension from the guys here, but I guess it's a trade-off. (I see plenty of other regionally specific foibles from MN guys, and I'm not sure which is less appealing.)

GG--Ooh, an assignment? Oh, OK... (I will try to get to it later today.)

Nabbalicious--Per your coworker: what a creep. And you DO have a point about the weird photos and such being a clue for us. Perhaps I shouldn't mock; perhaps they're just helping me out.

JN--Oddly, I haven't seen many of those, but I do wonder if that's because I'm on a site that *supposedly* matches me only with guys who have some level of compatibility, rather than just throwing everyone who's out there at me. Maybe the system actually knows that a meathead is not for me? (Or maybe the meatheads are just all on Match and Friendster--I've seen plenty of them there.)

-R- said...

We have summer interns working with us, and they had to submit photos of themselves at some point, which later got posted on our company intranet. There are several that you can tell were obviously pictures taken at a party where the intern cropped out the drink in his/her hand and the drunk friends around him/her. It is awesome.

Stinkypaw said...

After reading this, I'm sure glad I'm not "out there" at the moment (or for the last decade), reads pretty bad!

Maybe Rnady was dyslexic? I'm preaching for my parish here! ;-)

Yuck, ugly out there, really "yugly" (made it up just for you!)

stefanie said...

R--That is awesome indeed. Totally the opposite of the online profile maneuvers.

Stinkypaw--See? That's why I tell these stories... I figure the other single girls out there like to know they're not alone, and I figure the not-so-single ones maybe appreciate a reminder of why they're glad they're coupled off already. I do what I can. ;-)

Silvertongue said...

Totally going through the same things right now...this was a good laugh for me this morning!

I keep getting messages from people who are the exact opposite of what my profile clearly tells them I'm looking for - and they all say, "We should chat! We seem to have a lot in common!" Um, yeah, I guess the fact that we're both members of the human race is one thing we have in common - but I don't see anything else...sorry! And obviously we don't share my love of reading, because you obviously didn't read that I'm very liberal and looking for someone my own age, Mr. 55-year-old conservative! :)

Miss Peach said...

I also am at the end of my rope with the "Hey, really liked your profile. You've got a great smile! Drop me a line sometime."

That's what I consider Match spam, and it ain't working for me. Refer to my profile to make the point you read it, or do not bother emailing me.

stefanie said...

Silvertongue--The site I'm on includes in the guy's profile a list of three things I apparently have in common with him. Sometimes it's actually relevant and interesting, like when it mentions politics or board games or camping or some such occasionally polarizing issue. My favorite, though, is when it says "Eating." Not "Dining out," mind you, but simply "eating." Really? We both eat food? Well clearly we're MADE for each other!

Miss Peach--I'm with you. If they can't be bothered to read to see if we have anything as a starting point, then I wonder how many other things they can't be bothered to do.

Simone said...

omg Stefanie, that was hilarious and I can totally relate. I just looked at one where the guy had about 10 pics and at least three were him with his shirt open. It was not pretty. Even if it was, not appropriate. Another had two pics..both with fresh kills from the forest, deer and bird. He seemed like a nice guy but I hesitate because yeah the pictures pretty much indicate we are not on the same page. And I totally agree with the spelling/grammar!