Not-Tarts

Perhaps you're familiar with the "Open Dictionary" available at Merriam-Webster's site, where amateur lexicographers can freely submit alternate uses for existing words and new definitions for made-up or modified words. It's sort of like the Sniglets books my sister and I had when we were kids, which featured entries like "Pajangle" (the tangled mess your pajamas get into as you toss and turn in your sleep) and "Comebacne" (a zit that continually returns in the same place).

My guess is this is just the latest of Merriam-Webster's attempts to make their site more fun and hip (the assumption being that dictionaries aren't inherently fun on their own... an assumption a word nerd like me has a hard time understanding). Apparently it's not enough to offer Word Games, Word of the Day, and Merriam-Webster for Kids... the folks at M-W decided they also need to provide something to rival the interactive nature of Wikipedia and the modern fun of Urban Dictionary. The user-compiled Open Dictionary is their response.

I've noticed this new feature really only because they've been highlighting recent entries in the sidebar on the M-W home page. Some of them are moderately amusing, some of them I'm not tech-geeky enough to get the relevance of, and some are just plain gross. (If you aren't yet familiar with the term "dingleberry," do yourself a favor and don't read the definition at Open Dictionary.)

Today I clicked on a word out of curiousity and found this definition:

spoup : A morally wrong flavor of Cup o' Noodles (e.g., Nacho Cheese). (ex.: I saw more varieties of spoup at the grocery store than I care to count.)

I've never personally pondered the available flavors of Cup o' Noodles. I kind of thought you needed to show a valid student ID to purchase Cup o' Noodles, Smack Ramen, and all other variants of freeze-dried noodle and broth products. I have, however, noticed a horrifying bastardization of Kellogg's Pop-Tarts recently, and I'd like to propose a new term for this strange scope-creep in breakfast foods as well:

Not-Tarts: A Pop-Tart variety more suitable as a dessert or unhealthy snack than as a food appropriate for the "most important meal of the day." Often, Not-Tarts feature imitation components meant to simulate already unnatural ingredients, thereby creating a junk food whose main goal is to taste like other junk food. (See also: Food scientist experiments gone wrong.)

If you haven't yet noticed the Not-Tarts yourself, take a look in the cereal aisle on your next trip to the grocery store. My local Cub currently stocks these varieties of Pop-Tarts and Not-Tarts:

• Chocolate Fudge
• Chocolate Chip
• Hot Fudge Sundae
• Cinnamon Roll
• Cookies & Cream
• Frosted S'mores
• French Toast
• Sponge-Bob Square Pants Wild Bubbleberry
• Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough
• Caramel Chocolate
• Strawberry (frosted and unfrosted)
• Cherry
• Raspberry

Does anyone else think it's strange to offer this many ways to incorporate chocolate into our breakfast when there's a childhood obesity epidemic going on? And I realize it's unlikely there's any trace of actual fruit in the fruit-flavored varieties, but weren't there at one point more than three fruit Pop-Tarts available? Ah--Kellogg's is on it. Strawberry Milkshake is on its way. Well that's a relief. I'm sure Mr. Kellogg would be proud.