Thursday, September 13, 2007

Trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions

This whole finding-a-life-partner thing really must be somehow easier than I'm making it. That is, I think, the only explanation for some of the relationships I've seen develop. First, the pothead with a Peter Pan complex got married, then my most recent (and most significant) ex-boyfriend (who is not actually married yet but will be soon, and who, incidentally, all of my friends said, post-breakup, would be single for FAR longer than I would be. Hrmph.). And now today a friend of mine got an email from the guy who plagiarized my "Dear John" letter (semicolons and all), indicating that HE is now married as well. I'm sorry, but... what??

Have you seen the previews for that movie Good Luck Chuck? Not the ones that feature the story line of Jessica Alba as a walking disaster and Dane Cook as the guy who has to somehow survive dating her... I mean the ones in which the plot is, essentially, "Every girl Dane Cook sleeps with gets married to the next man she dates. Hence, every girl needs to sleep with Dane Cook." I have no idea why Lionsgate Films is marketing Good Luck Chuck as two entirely different movies, and I actually have not slept with most of the guys who I have dated, but I still suddenly feel like I am "Good Luck Stefanie" and magically, every emotionally troubled, boring, and/or socially awkward guy I go out with finds the love of his life shortly thereafter. That "Nonfiction means not-true, right?" guy is probably picking out rings as I type this. The guy who asked me to change my email display name for him has probably already welcomed his first child into the world.

I guess maybe I need to be on the lookout for a dangerously clumsy man to be my Jessica Alba, someone to turn both of our streaks of luck around. Unfortunately, I'm actually dangerously clumsy most of the time myself. Clumsy and absent-minded, no less, which actually brings me to the question I was going to pose for the Internets today, before I got all side-tracked with my extremely unlikely comparison to Dane Cook.

I waste entirely too much food in my house, and it bothers me no end. Sometimes I say it is not my fault. I'm continually annoyed that food manufacturers and genetic engineers haven't somehow figured out by now that some people live alone and do not need a foot-long loaf of bread or an entire head of lettuce. My million-dollar idea that will never come to fruition is a grocery store that caters specifically to the single shopper. All food will be in small-sized portions, and as an added bonus, in-store scoping for prospective dates will presumably be a lot more common and successful. But I digress. (I digress on what was already a digression. This is clearly one of my most well-thought-out posts to date.) I was going to admit that while sometimes, the food wasting is not my fault, other times it is due entirely to my own ridiculous scatter-brained absent-mindedness. I will, for example, take a frozen meal or a carton of yogurt out of the refrigerator and place it on my kitchen counter, intending to toss it in my bag before I head out the door, and instead, I will leave it sitting there, only to remember it halfway through my commute and realize that (A) I will have to throw the forgotten food away when I get home rather than risk the results of it sitting at room temperature all day, and (B) my efforts to save a bit of money by bringing my lunch are entirely for naught, as I'll need to purchase my lunch in a store or restaurant after all.

Sometimes, I don't just forget food on the counter, but I for some reason put it away in an entirely wrong and ridiculous place. The box of spaghetti will go in the fridge. The packet of cheese will end up in the cupboard above the stove. I can't explain this; really I can't. Let's say I'm a genius and my brain simply can't be bothered with routine, mundane details. Does that work for you? Maybe? Great.

I noted my latest act of brilliance this morning, when I reached for one of those aforementioned frozen meals for today's lunch. Inside the freezer door, right in front of my eyes, was the tub of cream cheese I bought Sunday afternoon. Whether it's been there since I brought it home or just since I took the on-reserve bagels out of the freezer and put them into the fridge to thaw, I can't say. What I'm wondering, though, is whether I have to toss that cream cheese or not. Are there some foods that cannot survive a few nights frozen solid? Are there some things that just aren't the same once they've thawed? (Clearly there are, but is cream cheese one of them?)

This isn't anywhere near as notable a question as how semicolon-stealer found a wife, but it's an easier-to-answer one, anyway.


lizgwiz said...

I'd go to your singles-only grocery store in a heartbeat. I'm always wasting food, too. Sometimes I think I'll just get one of those Seal-A-Meals and make cute little frozen dinners for myself--how frugal and clever would that be? But I never seem to get around to realizing a leftover has actually turned into a leftover, and not merely my next meal, until it's too late to do anything but pitch it.

I would think cream cheese could survive a freezing. The texture might not be what it once was, but I would think it would be edible.

I also never ceased to be amazed at how easily some people find mates. More specifically, though, at how easily some really hideous people find mates. Seriously, I watch shows like Bridezillas and I think--that harridan has somebody wanting to marry her and I'm still single? WTF?

don't call me MA'AM said...

Even when you're not single, too much food goes wasted. I think it's the lifestyle we have now. Or maybe I'm just stupid and can't figure out how to stop wasting food. :-)

liz is right about the cream cheese. As long as it didn't get freezer burn, it should taste the same.

Wondering what the penalty would/should be for "Dear John" letter thiefs??

Mair said...

I'm right there in the store, with you and Liz and DCMM, and I suspect, all the rest of the commenters after me. GENIUS. Freaking lettuce.

Stefanie said...

Liz--I had to look up "harridan." I love when you teach me new vocabulary words. :-)

DCMM--Glad it's not just me. I still think the singles grocery store is a great idea, but I won't ban non-singles from shopping there.

Malia--If the genetic engineers can't make a smaller head of lettuce, maybe I can take the singles-shopping idea one step further and the store can pair you up with a buddy. You each get one-half the head! :-) It's an idea whose time has come, I say.

Paisley said...

"This isn't anywhere near as notable a question as how semicolon-stealer found a wife, but it's an easier-to-answer one, anyway."

Best. Sentence. Ever.

Your cream cheese is fine, btw.

((BIG HUG!!!))

L Sass said...

I put my baby carrots in the freezer accidentally a couple weeks ago. I thought they'd thaw out just find, but they got super mushy and icky!

Also, the size of most things you buy in the grocery store are too large even for two people! They are only good for families with IVF quintuplets!

Jarod said...

I think the whole "you have to find someone in order to be happy" thing is nonsense. Don't get me wrong, if you do, that's great - but people keep saying they aren't "complete" until they find someone? Why? Why can't you stand on your own two feet? Personally, I don't care if I find someone, and I'm so much happier than my friends who spend all their time looking for someone. If I do, great, but I am perfectly happy if I don't. Why do people feel this urge? Is it real, or has it simply been drilled into their heads?

I wish someone would explain this to me! Anyone?

Stefanie said...

Paisley--Thanks for the tip. (And the virtual hug.) :-)

L Sass--That's funny... My refrigerator occasionally freezes things on the top shelf (because it's old and probably because it doesn't know what to do with itself when it's nearly empty). I noticed last week my bag of baby carrots was frozen, but when I moved them to a lower shelf to thaw, they were fine. Bummer things didn't work out the same for you!

Jarod--Hey, hold on now. I didn't say I had to find someone to be happy or wouldn't be complete until I did; I just said I'm baffled by how easily some other people have found spouses! I am right there with you and would rather be happy by myself than unhappy with someone else! That's for damn sure. :-)

Stacey Brandow said...

I swear that I have bought a half of a loaf of bread before but I'll be damned...I can't find them now!

I think the cream cheese will be fine! :)

-R- said...

I have actually noticed a pattern among my friends: when two people break up after being a serious relationship, one of them usually gets married right away. Usually too soon, in my opinion. But I can't explain what's up with those weird meMarmony guys. If the guy from the wine class at the Guthrie gets engaged, then I will start to worry about you.

Anonymous said...

I once put a refrigerated item in the oven. That was bad when I found it a week later. Smelly!

The only dating advice I have for you is don't see any movies with Dane Cook. Actually, that's general life advice.

Red said...

I hesitate to say this because the fact that I'm single may make me come off as bitter. So I'll tread lightly when I say that any idiot in the world can get married and many of them don't do it for the right reasons. A lot of times singleness = refusal to settle. Not that I'm telling you anything you don't know. :)

As far as the dual Dane marketing: totally! I think they want it to be a Jessica Alba vehicle in case Dane isn't big enough to carry it. I love my hometown boy but he needs some new material. I am so all set with the physical humor.

Stefanie said...

BMC--Usually I just buy the smaller loaves of, I don't know, "fancier" bread... which of course means I'm paying twice as much and STILL have more bread than I need, but whatever.

R--Actually, only one of those guys was a meMarmony guy. And there was really nothing wrong with the Mixology class guy... aside from being entirely unattractive (to me) and getting annoyingly passive aggressive in his last email to me. So yeah. Good luck to him. Really.

Noelle--Do you mean don't see movies with Dane Cook, or don't see movies starring Dane Cook? Because, you know, even if he's not really my type, if Dane Cook asked me out, I'm pretty sure I'd have to go...

Red--Based on your comment and Jarod's, I'm thinking I steered that post inadvertently in a direction I didn't mean to go. I think you know I am not desperate to get married; I'm just baffled at how easily other people do so. If all I wanted were a husband (or even just a new boyfriend), I'm pretty sure I probably could have managed that by now.

Anonymous said...

I'm with you on this. I was lamenting something very similar to this the other day, as I just discovered that a cousin of mine is (very suddenly) engaged and his girlfriend is pregnant. Oh, and that he has four assault and robbery charges and a pending court date, she's a stripper from the Ukraine, and they both work in an "adult-themed" store.

How is it fair that he's getting married and having a kid? Not even compared to me, but just in a general, HOW ON EARTH SHOULD THAT BE? type of way.

Okay, sorry about the tangent. Don't worry, Stefanie, when you decide to get married it's going to be amazing because you waited for the right one at the right time. Unless it's Dane Cook, then it's because he's rich and funny. Either way, win-win. (Although, did you see Mr. Brooks? Creeeeepy!)

3carnations said...

Cream cheese can be frozen and thawed. I used to buy it in bulk at Sam's Club and do that. FYI, yogurt can NOT be frozen and thawed.

I blame your current angst on Liz. She went and met someone and is starting to lose her cynical edge. :)

Kim said...

a.) Singles grocery store = awesome idea. I'd be there in a heartbeat. I've often thought they needed more food packaged for singles.

b.) After dating me, more than a couple of guys have gone on to knock girls up. I call that Good Luck for Kim 'cause it wasn't me.

c.) Cheese in the cupboard?

Stefanie said...

NPW--I'm glad that you clarified that it's not just in comparison to you that it's wrong but just in a general "How on earth should that be?" way. :-) Also, will your cousin and his fiance be registering at the adult-themed store in which they work? Because that would be a pretty interesting gift-opening to attend.

3Cs--Ha. What else in my life can I blame Happy Liz for? ;-)

Kim--A. Seriously. Someone needs to make that happen. B. That IS good luck. Whew, right? C. Don't ask. I can't explain. It's worse than cheese in the freezer; I know.

Anonymous said...

You may be spreading, yesterday I opened a shiny new can of pizza sauce, put it in a glass jar to use for the nest week or two, and made one pizza. Today, in the cabinet where empty jars are kept, at room temperature, I found that jar of sauce.


Stefanie said...

Tim--Pizza sauce in with the empty jars? Not even where other food is kept? THAT one I don't think I've ever done before. There's always a first time, though...