Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Clearing the queue

This just in: It is cold. And snowing. I realize I live in Minnesota, but I've always sort of thought it was fair to get only one of those at a time. Also, the next time someone who claims to know how weather works says, on a sub-zero day, "It's too cold to snow," I will have to direct them, all Cliff Clavin-like, to this week, because this week, it has been sub-zero for three days in a row and I'm pretty sure it snowed at least a little bit on all three days. Take that, weather know-it-alls.

I promise I will stop talking about the weather now. How about I talk about something even more original? That's right: I had a date last night. Shocking, I know.

This particular date was with a man I'll call the Tiny Lawyer, for the probably obvious reason that he was both tiny and a lawyer. (I know, I know; I'm impossibly clever.) I suspected from his photos that he was the sort of 5'11" that actually means 5'9", but I chose not to worry about that, as he seemed smart and possibly endearing in a charmingly awkward way. Also, for the record, I am not implying that 5'9" automatically equates to "tiny." I am implying that 5'9" and small-framed enough to possibly be wearing a boy's sized suit equates to tiny. Is that fair? I am 5'9" myself, and my frame is decidedly not boy's sized, and while I would like to think I can be modern and open minded and not discriminate against date candidates based on body size, the fact is that if my jeans would be too big for you, there's a pretty good chance I'm just not going to feel comfortable dating you. Not that I want my boyfriend to wear my jeans. Or even try them on, for that matter. I'm really just digging myself farther and farther into this hole, aren't I? Did I mention I am tired? I am TIRED. So tired that I am suddenly trying to decide whether to rework this last paragraph to incorporate some reference implying that the the tiny, squeaky voiced lawyer may have come straight from a dress rehearsal of Oliver. Look at that. I did it anyway. Seriously, sooo tired. Really must get myself to bed here very soon.

Anyway, boy-sized or not, tinyness is not the reason our date was lackluster. He was perfectly nice; I was perfectly nice (mostly... more on that later); but it felt like we were both firing blanks. Nothing was really sticking for either of us. Conversation just never took off. It happens; it's nothing new, and I think we both went through the motions thinking we'd just complete the dinner transaction, say our goodbyes, and be off. Considering I had nothing particularly invested in the evening at that point, you might even think I could get through the whole date without saying anything particularly inappropriate or unintentionally offensive. Keyword: might think. But surely you know me better than that by now.

Apparently in some strict, truth-in-advertising-seeking space in my ever logical brain, I decided this height discrepency needed to be addressed. As we were both getting up to leave, I looked at him and I blurted out, "You are totally not 5'11", by the way."

The dude looked at me like I had just told him I had run over his cat or erased everything on his Tivo. "What? That's what my doctor says I am!" he cried defensively. At that point, of course, I should have apologized and let it go. I shouldn't have said something so unnecessary and foolish in the first place, so at this point, I should have said, "OK; you're right. You probably are 5'11". Sorry." Did I do that? Of course not. Instead, I directed his attention to the window above our table, a window that naturally becomes sort of a mirror in the darkness of night. I pointed to the window, where I could see both of us standing, our heads at such an equal height that I'm convinced you could have placed a carpenter's level from the crown of my head to the crown of his and the bubble would have floated squarely to the center spot between the two black lines. I looked at us in the window, and I pointed and said, "Look! I'm 5'9". There's no way you are two inches taller than me!"

I know, right? What was that I said just yesterday about me not needing a dating advice book? Wait. Scratch that. I still don't need a dating advice book. I just need to keep that mental goalie from falling asleep on the ice. This is nothing new.

So let's review. Tiny Lawyer asks me on a date. I accept; we meet for a casual dinner. He pays without any hesitation whatsoever, whipping his credit card out and handing it over before I can even reach for my wallet. I thank him by calling him short and a liar. To top things off, we walk into the sub-zero, snowy evening to find that he's received a $35 parking ticket while we were inside. This evening was obviously a win-win-win all around for Tiny Lawyer.

On the up side, at least *I* took some useful tidbits from the evening. For example, I learned how to remove a too-small ring from someone's finger using dental floss, and I learned the [Tiny Lawyer's name]'s Patent Pending Formula for DUI Charge Avoidance. Did I mention Tiny Lawyer is a criminal defense attorney? It's almost a shame this one isn't going anywhere, because I bet he has lots of interesting stories.

So. A week ago, I had three potential matches in "the funnel" (See? I did pick up something from that book. I've got some new terminology to use!) Last night was strike two. I have no interest in looking for any additional prospects during the next two rather busy holiday weeks, so Bachelor #3 is officially my last chance to declare that psychic Not a Crackpot and make good on this Year of Stef, "Finding my soul mate in '08" nonsense. Do I have high hopes? Not so much, particularly since Bachelor #3 has yet to send me the requisite message confirming and finalizing our plans, meaning I may actually strike out on the third try without ever even meeting the man. Naturally, of the three, this is the one I've felt most optimistic about, which makes it all the more maddening. Wish me luck.

And with that, it is officially entirely past my bed time. It is also entirely past the time when my programmable thermostat decides it's time to go into money-saving night mode, and as cold as it is this evening, I'll need to cut the fingertips off of a pair of gloves if I want to keep typing much longer. I hear my down comforter calling. I do hate to keep it waiting. I'm out.


steve said...

Awesome date. I give you ridiculously huge kudos for calling Tiny Lawyer out on his bullshit. Having fun at dating is being who you are, not who you think you should be. Keep that shit UP! (Besides, it makes for good readin').

Also: It's a chilly 54 here right now.

plumpy said...

I'm sitting here "working" (which clearly means "reading blogs" to me) with some other (nightowl work-from-home) friends and I gave them the short summary of your Tiny Lawyer date. There were many laughs. One person said you seem like a hilarious date. So, there's that!

3carnations said...

Wow. You wanted to make sure he wouldn't be calling again, apparently.

I wonder if he has a blog. Because if he did - I can guarantee you he will be blogging about your date. :-)

I hope dinner was good.

The Dutchess of Kickball said...

OMG! So what did he say when you pointed out that since you are 5'9" there was no way he was 5'11"?

And there is always the chance you met your soul mate in '08 but you just don't know that he is yet.

Anonymous said...

Stef, have i told you lately that i love you? Because I totally do. I snorted at the name Tiny Lawyer...and, lo, the chortling I did when I read when you called him out on his height. Hahahaha.

Mickey said...

How I wish Tiny Lawyer (and all your dates) had a blog so we could read his reactions to the experience. Poor guy.

You are a maneater, Stefanie. A maneater.

Now I'm singing Hall and Oates in my head. Damnit.

lizgwiz said...

That is hilarious, even if I am feeling a wee bit sorry for Tiny Lawyer. Although, I must say that, though I always appreciate hyperbole (as I've said before, it's my favorite thing in the WHOLE world!), 5'9" isn't exactly TINY. I'm about your height, and I once dated a guy who was...5'3"? And Iranian, to boot. Don't tell me I'm not an inclusive dater!

And yet, here I am, still single. What kind of world is this? ;)

I HATE Bachelor #3 already...probably because I, too, have often felt the sting of the guy who disappears for no good reason in the process of planning to meet. The Male Me has just done that, apparently. Gah.

Jess said...

He totally knows that he isn't 5'11", despite what he might have paid some quack to say. Good for you for pointing it out. Sucks for him about that parking ticket, though.

shelleycoughlin said...

You are hilarious. I love that you end your date by calling him a liar. Although, couldn't you have at least kept him around for a few more dates? I want to know how to get a too-small ring off a finger!

Courtney said...

Hey, if you're going to lie on your dating resume, you deserve to be called out for it. Sucks for him, though, about the parking ticket.

Good luck with Bachelor #3! Maybe he's been remiss in getting back to you because he's out volunteering in a soup kitchen or rescuing kittens or something.

NGS said...

First of all, amen. I used to think at a certain level of coldness, it couldn't snow. That may be true everywhere else on Earth, but not here in Minnesota. Brrr. But isn't that snow pretty?! I'm actually considering busting out the sleds this weekend!!

And....tiny men. My husband, bless is soul, claims to be 5'10". He's...not. I will never tell him this. And his waist size is considerably smaller than mine. *sigh* I love him anyway. He's not tiny so much as slender. I never thought I would 1) be attracted to such a bony man 2) be the fat one in a relationship or 3) not really care about the first two.

If Tiny Lawyer had been cooler (maybe not defending the scum of the planet?), you may have been able to overlook those other flaws!!

Anonymous said...

Oh Stef, you crack me up! For the record, the right person would have taken the flack and dished it back a little bit.

And my ex boyfriend wore my jeans on multiple occasions. Right before we broke up, he acquired several new pairs of womens size 4 jeans for himself. It spelled "doom" for us. (Well, that and other things.)

Anonymous said...

Of the many things I love about this story, the idea that he knows he's 5'11" because his doctor says so is my personal favorite.

Shelly said...

"win-win-win for Tiny Lawyer" was my favorite line. Hilarious.

Unknown said...

Chiming in on the jeans size issue. I have always looked at it this way: if a guy's hips or thighs were bigger than mine, so that he COULDN'T fit into those areas of my jeans, that's an issue. Behinds are different though. Oh, what am I sounding like here...

Anonymous said...

Don't you know you are supposed to send me the names of any potential lawyer dates so that I can vet them for you?

I have a great guy friend who is tall but freakishly skinny. He has tried to gain weight but just can't. He finally found a girl who is even skinnier than him, so it may work out for him after all. =)

Stefanie said...

Steve--A friend of mine just had a date with a guy who posted pictures obviously taken years ago, and he looks nothing like the them anymore. Seriously, WHY misrepresent yourself like that? Do they think we won't notice? (I still don't think I needed to say anything about the height lie, but it annoys me anyway.)

Plump--Yes, there is that. Thanks.

3Cs--I thought the same thing (that if he had a blog, I'd totally be mocked on it). Oh well.

Dutchess--Great. So you're saying I might have met my soul mate but dismissed him too soon? Nooooo!

Lara--I love you too, my dear. :-)

Mickey--I know; I was thinking the same thing. Man, I wonder how many blogs I'm featured on and do not know it...

Liz--You dated a 5'3" guy?? I am impressed. You truly are an equal opportunity dater!

Jess--I did feel really bad about the parking ticket... so much so that, all the way home, I kept thinking I should have given him a twenty to defray the cost. But then I realized, hello, is it MY fault the dude parked in a metered spot and chose to take his chances and not plug the meter? No. No, it is not. Right?

NPW--Basically you wind the floss very tight around the finger repeatedly, from below the knuckle to above it (so tight that the finger tip then turns scary and purple). Then you push the ring up above where the floss starts and start unwinding the floss, and the ring comes off with it. Apparently it works every time.

Courtney--That's what I think, sort of. (Who do these guys think they're fooling?) I still feel like a jerk for calling him on it, though.

NGS--See, now you and Liz are making me feel all trivial and closed-minded. Oh well.

Abbers--A guy in women's size 4 jeans?? Now THAT is tiny.

Flurrious--Perhaps he should add that to his profile, right?

Shelly--Thanks. (Also, hi! Don't know if I've seen you here before!)

Angela--You make a good point. It's maybe not the jeans I should be focusing on, actually; it's the rest of the frame size. Maybe the better rule is that if he fits in my jeans, that's OK, but I don't think I'm OK with having broader shoulders than he does. Does that make sense?

R--Ha! Do you know all the lawyers in town? I didn't realize there was a secret network for you guys...

Akkire said...

Wow...dating...in a word, no two, hilarious and horrifying.

Noelle said...

It's always good to know a DWI lawyer in your town. I know someone who could have used that a few weeks ago... (not me, don't worry.)

And I guess when things start getting too nice, one just has to shake things up with a good height insult.

Sauntering Soul said...

OMG, this is one of the funniest stories I've read in a long time.

I once went out on a date with a guy who was the same height as me. I'm only 5'4". His profile said he was 5'8". He totally wasn't but I was not as brave as you are and didn't call him out on it. Now I kind of wish I had.

Alice said...

AAAAHAHAHAHAHAhaaaahahaha i found this FAR too funny. innapropriately so, methinks. except that OMG HOW MANY TIMES has this happened to me as well....? uh, except i've never had the balls to call them out, although i've wished i had many times. i'm only 5'8", but i wear a lot of heels. and dudes: if you lie about your height, we're gonna find out. like, instantly. it's not one of those things where you can admit the truth after we've already grown to like you.

Michelle | Bleeding Espresso said...

I wouldn't feel bad about calling him out on the height thing. He was obviously expecting it, what with the "doctor" response just there waiting. Silly boys.

Anyhoo, happy holidays to you and yours! Hope we get to see photos of those snow boots :)