Monday, March 05, 2007

Show of hands

I know this is something we've talked about a bit in the comments recently, but let's take a formal poll, OK? Let's say, for example, that a woman (we'll call her Mefanie) goes on a date with a man (we'll call him... um, Med). Let's say it's actually just barely a date; it's one of those sort of "pre-dates" for a quick coffee, a date scheduled with the advance warning that "I can meet you at 11:00, but I need to be somewhere at 12:30." It's sort of a "go see," as I recently read someone call it--essentially an audition to see if you are, in fact, worthy of the role of a proper date.

Let's say that at the end of this pre-date, Med turns to Mefanie and says, "I've really enjoyed talking to you. Would you like to get together again? Can I give you a call this week?"

This is an entirely hypothetical situation, of course, and bears no solid similarity to any true and actual events, but let's assume for the sake of this example that Mefanie was not immediately smitten with Med, but found herself for once not entirely bored nor revolted, either. Trying to remain optimistic, she therefore replies, "Sure; that'd be great," and writes down her home number.

Given this scenario, how many days is too many days for Med to wait to call?

If I tell you the number of days he waited is nearly ten, does that appall you or not at all faze you? And given all of this information, should Mefanie actually return his call or click the handy "Close Match" button provided by meMarmony and make Med go away?

Discuss amongst yourselves.



A few additional notes, in case they affect your decisions...

1. Med called at 3:50 p.m. on a Monday, knowing full well that Mefanie has a day job at an office outside her home and that the number he was calling was not the number for that office.

2. The only excuse Med provided for his delayed follow-up communication was that he has been hit with some sort of bug and has been ill for several days. He did not specify whether said bug prevented him from reaching his keyboard to type a message or in some way impaired his memory or concept of time.

3. Mefanie is a worn-down and bitter girl who, once annoyed, has a hard time overlooking her annoyance and starting fresh with an open mind. Maintaining an open mind on a second date with someone whom she's already skeptical and less-than-genuinely-enthusiastic-about is hard enough. Maintaining an open mind on a second date with someone who's already annoyed her is even harder.

So...?

As always, thank you in advance for your undoubtedly wise words and sage advice. On this entirely hypothetical situation, I mean. Of course.

25 comments:

maliavale said...

I'd go with the second chance, unless your irritation at the 10 days thing is not going to go away, and you meet him while still annoyed/seething/in eye-roll mode. He could be totally making up the sick thing, or he could have really been quite sick, in which you're not capable of functioning too well.

Oh, Med. Way to not start things out appropriately.

Anyway, I vote for a date in which wine is involved. Then you can REALLY get a clear view!

sognatrice said...

Eh, I'd give him a chance too, but if it gets rough during the second encounter (i.e., he commits a grammar error), I'd say bolting without much of an excuse is in order. I like to call this the mildly adult plan. Oh, and yes, wine!

sognatrice said...

Hmm, I think I would've preferred to use e.g. there instead of i.e., but you know, since there's no editing in Blogger, I'm forced to fluff your comments. So I'll also play devil's advocate and say screw 'em! He never appreciated you anyway :)

Darren McLikeshimself said...

I'd hypothetically close the match. Ten days is a long time and "Med" needs to be taught a lesson.

beingmccrary said...

It is possible that after waiting 10 days....he knew it was too long, thus the reason for the phone call to your home phone knowing you would be at work. He's putting the ball in your court because he's potentially scared. He could have been sick and felt dumb for not calling. I would say meet for a drink and see what happens, although if you are annoyed, it's probably doomed because I know it's hard to shake that. I guess I have no good answer....

3carnations said...

Second chance. At least he OFFERED an excuse. He could have just left the message like there was nothing wrong with waiting that long. If he had some sort of flu-bug, he probably didn't want to risk sending a fever-induced moronic sounding email with lots of grammatical errors. You know...Just in case Mefanie has a thing about bad grammar...

Poppy Cede said...

Ditch the bastid, you deserve better. :)

Anniina said...

Close. If he was excited about seeing you, he could not have waited to call you and would have called within say... 3 days, 5 if he was deathly ill. Close. Close. It's not worth it, since you were only mildly interested anyway.

3carnations said...

OK...I've got to add one more thing, since there's some name calling (though probably in jest) going on toward this guy. I'm going to state the obvious in that we all make mistakes, all the time. I understand that this is one guy, one date, and that you weren't hugely interested anyway. BUT, I'm not sure I believe in love at first sight. It takes time to get more than mildly interested. I agree, he should have called sooner. But the next guy might call in two days, and then not hold the door open for you once, or something.

I guess I figure that if everyone was kicked to the curb at their first transgression, regardless of whether it was mild or major, everyone would be single. He might have been mulling something you did (imagined or otherwise) and deciding whether he wanted to call YOU back. We all find little faults in people. The key is deciding which faults are worth dealing with, and which mistakes will happen more than once. If waiting 10 days to call is something you WON'T tolerate, tell him so nicely. The worst thing that will happen is you guys don't go out again, which is the same thing that will happen if you just ignore him due to this issue. Nothing to lose as far as I'm concerned.

I'll step off my soapbox now...

lizgwiz said...

Well, if the first date wasn't actively painful, I'd probably give him a second chance. He DID offer an excuse, pathetic as it was. He'd be on pretty thin ice during that second date, though. One bad move--you know, like saying "I had to stop by an ATM MACHINE"--kapow! Match closed. ;)

-R- said...

Hypothetically, I vote for the second chance. Only if Med is tall and reasonably cute though. Because I am shallow like that.

Paisley said...

I'd give him a second chance. He may have been truly sick and knows he waited too long, which is why he called you at home when he knew you'd be out.

If it's still not sparking after this next date, though - close match.

But wait a few days to get back to him.

LC said...

Damn.

I'm with Darren. There is no such thing as not being able to pick up the phone/send a text message/email, whathave you.

Ten days is a long time to wait and the I was sick excuse just doesn't cut it.

I am also annoyed because this just happened to a friend of mine, and even after he called a second time, she did it to him again.

So. No. Click that marvelous 'Close' button.

There are more guys you can take chances with.

NancyPearlWannabe said...

I, too, have a hard time once someone has irritated me, doubly so in the dating game. There's no excuse for being entirely incommunicado for 10 days- and if he's already making excuses, I would bet money that doesn't bode well for future communications.

But then, I might just not be good at the dating game. It's been a while.

cupcake said...

No second chance. At. all.

There are plenty of men worth staying single for. He gives you a quality reason to continue to do so. His initial "WOW" factor is lacking. Plus, he's lame for saying he was sick. How hard is it to send a note saying "I'm sick. Sorry. Be in touch soon."

I recently dated a boy for about a month, when I last saw him, he said he'd call me later. Apparently, later to him was 8 weeks. He apologized without a valid excuse when he eventually got around to calling. I gave him a second chance. This time, it took him two weeks to call back. I'm not sure if men and women just have different understandings of what "Later" means, however, I do know they aren't worth it if you even have to ask. Move on, girl.

Babs said...

I'm with everyone who says to "move on" (hypothetically, of course). If a guy is into someone, it takes all his power NOT to call the girl too soon. Waiting 10 days for any reason is a clear sign that he's not into the girl. (and that's totally lame that he called while he knew you were at work)

Married Jen said...

Is he paying? I say second date :) As Red would say, "A girl's gotta eat!"

Also I think you should tease him about it. If he goes along w/ the ribbing, then he could be cool... If not, the run like the wind.

Anniina said...

I dunno, what 3C says about it taking time to get "more than mildly into someone" doesn't wash with me. I wouldn't want anything less than "wow, there's just something about this guy" - some spark, some interest in his thoughts, some desire to know more about him - even after just one meeting. Stefanie, you don't need lukewarm. You don't have to settle. You SHOULDN'T settle, even for one evening. There's a guy out there who is gonna think you're the greatest person ever existed, who is gonna call you the next day, apologize for calling you at work, and explain it was because he just had to, because he had such a great time with you. And this guy is gonna be instantly forgiven by you for being over-eager, cause you've woken up that morning realizing that you're crushing on him. I just know it, it's on its way for you. So no second chances, for this or any other guy who isn't Mr. Adorable.

3carnations said...

The thing is, when you are oh-so-into-sparks-flying-into-someone as soon as you meet them, the bulk of that is superficial. Yes, there is something to be said about "clicking" with someone when you first meet them, and I assume that is the point Stefanie is at when she is "not entirely bored and revolted".

I think society and movies have us at a place where we think when we meet Mr. Right, there will be instant recognition. Something like waiting 10 days to call...Not cool, I agree. But worth dismissing someone, when that's the only reason? I don't think so. Mention it to him. See how he reacts. If he gets an attitude about it, then fine - He's not for you. But things happen.

I'm suprised at how quickly everyone says not to give him a second chance. The suggestions to call him but wait a few days...That seems hypocritical. Do unto others and all that...

I say give him a break. But I've been out of the dating game for years, what do I know? I guess I only know I wouldn't want to be judged based on my first mistake, especially when that mistake is not following some "rule" of dating.

Simone said...

Of course I have to submit my opinion as well…my first thought was give him a second chance simply because you have no idea why he really called 10 days late. Things do happen. And he did give an excuse. And since you aren’t ga-ga over him just yet, why not?

But I have to agree with all the others in that usually a person who is interested will call within a reasonable period of time…and 10 days is not reasonable imo.

If I put myself in the opposite position of calling someone back, if I am really interested, I am excited and want to call/email soon. If I’m not really interested, I either call later as an afterthought (he was nice, I guess I’ll call and see what happens) or don’t call at all.

Course, it took C two weeks to respond to an email because he was out of town, but once we met, it was a “I can’t wait to talk to you/see you again” kind of thing.

Then again, doesn’t everyone deserve a 2nd chance? If it goes nowhere after that, at least you know you did that much.

nabbalicious said...

Nope. NEXT!

He may have offered an excuse, but not only was it stupid, it underestimated your intelligence.

zapplets said...

ditto on nabbalicious' comment!

Jurgen Nation said...

I have to chime in and I'm not going to read the rest of the comments until I'm done so I can remain unbiased. I thought The Rules was a piece of crap book and I would like to personally kick both of those girls in the face, BUT the one thing in the book I think is true (and there is only one thing because the book is terrible), and it's this: if he wanted to talk to you, he'd call.

To me that translates to any relationship, be it familial, friend, significant other. I hate the response, "Oh, sorry I haven't called, it's been crazy." It might have been crazy, I don't dispute that. BUT if you want to talk to someone you'll find a way. Maybe that's too harsh, I don't know, but it was the philosophy I used on Match and other dating situations. I just feel that you can always take TWO MINUTES to dash off an e-mail or phone someone to say, "listen, I'm ill/busy/traveling, but I wanted you to know that I enjoyed talking with you and hope to catch up with you next week."

If the guy can't even do THAT, I'm not sure how thoughtful he'll be in the future.

Just my two cents.

stefanie said...

Thanks, everyone. I knew you'd be up for a discussion on this. I'll probably elaborate more in a post, but here are just a few replies for now...

Malia & Sognatrice--Wine is definitely a must. As I've said before, I think alcohol should be incorporated into all dates. Damn these sober coffee dates. (And Sognatrice, I agree "e.g." is the right choice there, but I honestly wasn't going to nit-pick.) ;-)

Liz--I love the cross-commenting. First "Mildreds" and "Hildegard" skips across the blogosphere, and now the extranyms. Awesome. (I would add links there for the benefit of people who have no idea what we're talking about, but I am far too lazy right now. So I'll say refer to Metalia for the first two and Daily Tannenbaum for the third.)

R--He's a little taller than I am, and I keep thinking he looks sorta old. How do you feel about it now? ;-)

Cupcake--Is it your Happy De-lurk Day? If so, hello and welcome! :-) You make some fine points (as does everyone else). Thanks!

Married Jen--Well, he didn't pony up the three bucks for the first date, so I can't make a prediction on that. I didn't think Red meant it literally when she said "A girl's gotta eat," but I guess both the dirty and the non-dirty implications of that argument actually work!

JN--Your comment actually sums up really well a lot of my thoughts on this. Assuming I do manage to get the rest in a post, I'll elaborate more there...

Mymsie said...

I think you've already tallied the votes but it sounds like this guy needs to be kicked to the curb, especially since you weren't too smitten with him. Tell him you'll be calling to inquire about his single friends but wait 10 days and then fax him a note.