Quite possibly my most self-absorbed Friday Five to date, as it's all about things people should BUY FOR ME

My birthday is coming up soon, a fact that didn't really occur to me until I turned the calendar page late last week and realized it is March already. March, people. How did that happen? Wow.

I realize that birthdays get less and less eventful every year, but still... if forgetting your own birthday is approaching isn't a sign of old age, I'm really not sure what is. At least I'm not yet doing the math from my birth year to figure out how old I am. When that happens, you might as well get yourself a pair of comfort sandals and a Hoveround, because there is no turning back from there.

Most years, I am reminded it's my birth month the same way I'm reminded that the Christmas season is upon me. No, Target doesn't tailor their seasonal aisles to a "Celebrate Stefanie" theme. I mean that I start getting e-mails from my family members demanding gift suggestions from me.

This seems only fair, I think. If I have to get older, I should at least get some new stuff, right? Sadly, (A. my family didn't think to ask about birthday gift ideas until a few short days ago, and (B. when they did finally ask, I came up almost entirely blank.

I finally decided that a new printer (perhaps with a bonus scanner) would be a fine gift for my mom and sisters to contribute towards together, so I'm pretty sure that's what I'll find beneath the, um, birthday tree. Since then, however, I have come up with several fine ideas of excellent birthday gifts for me. I honestly don't expect gifts from anyone but family members and maybe a select few devoted friends, but still, it's fun to write a wish list, is it not? Frankly, once you start thinking about this sort of thing, it's actually hard to narrow it down to just five. I am, however, trying to slide this in as my Friday Five for the week, so a mere five will simply have to do.

Here we go, then. Five gifts I would enjoy for my birthday this year...

1. A Chia Elephant. Shockingly, no one got this for me when I dropped a hint about it right before Christmas. Can you even buy Chia Pets outside of the holiday season? I have no idea. Anyone want to find out?
   
   
2. A little Unazukin girl. Yes, yes, I know we're all using Google as our Magic 8 ball these days, but isn't this an entirely more adorable solution?
   
   
3. Fancy schmancy calling cards for my secret inner Victorian lady self. I mentioned once that I used to hand out my business cards to prospective suitors in bars (because cell phones weren't yet so prevalent and we didn't all carry pens and index cards in our pockets). I totally should have thought to print out something like these lovely cards instead.
   
   
4. One charming little garden gnome (conveniently available at Target, the place where all things happen and worlds frequently collide). I have a friend who is very fond of gnomes, but hesitates to share this fact with friends and family for fear that her home and yard will thereafter be filled with various and sundry gnomes received as gifts. Like her, I want just one gnome, which would live happily in the bed of perennials I planted last year (upon Poppy's advice)--a bed of flowers that I can only hope and assume will return brightly and happily again this summer. Time will tell on that, unfortunately.
   
   
5. A t-shirt with a tag-line that succinctly and effectively encapsulates me in some way. I am not actually serious about this one, as I'm not really the novelty t-shirt-wearing type. (I wasn't serious about the $189 calling cards, either, of course; I just thought they were lovely and charming is all.) Still, wouldn't a Good Grammar Costs Nothing shirt be perfect for my one-woman crusade? Then again, it's hard to commit to that one confidently when there are so many other fine choices as well. For that matter, why should I focus solely and exclusively on grammar? Is that really all that I am about? Perhaps my new tag-line is actually a better choice. I'm entirely amused imagining all the looks I would get wearing an "I am kayak; hear me roar" shirt about town. Much as I'd like to think the whole world gets every Gilmore Girls reference, I'm well aware that's simply not the case.
   

OK, that's already five, but you know what else I recently realized I need? More Tagalongs. What was I thinking buying only one box?? I was thinking surely other little Girl Scouts in my life would emerge and beg for cookie business, but clearly that was not the case. So now I've got to get by on a frighteningly small hit of the heroin that is the Tagalong, with no hope of more until next year. It is a travesty, I must say. And to think I wasted one of my box purchases on the new sugar-free brownie bit cookies. They sounded tasty in the description, but you know what? Cookies need sugar. It's a simple and likely indisputable fact. I should never have swayed from the Tagalong. A travesty, indeed, I say.

Know what else is a travesty? These particular gift items, courtesy of the Casual Living catalog I for some reason received the other day. Take this as a list of items I do not want as birthday gifts, OK? I do not want a pair of "Go Tropical" sunglasses, nor a "celebrate-the-flamingo" sort of Feather in your cap cap. I am all for a bit of whimsy, but not in my accessories, you hear? I also do not want a Beaded water bottle holder, as I simply can't imagine any scenario in which my water would need to be this, um, fancy. And, much as I realized the helpful multifunctionality of my comfy new yoga pants Swiffering my floors as I move about, I'm still not ready to don a pair of slippers designed with this express purpose in mind. Multi-tasking is one thing. Those absurd and nasty slippers are quite another.