This time I'm off on a road trip with three friends to Columbus, Ohio. Yes, Ohio. I am taking a mini-break to the Buckeye State. We are going to go to Comfest and check out my good friend Jamie's old college haunts and, of course, finally see what chili tastes like when poured on spaghetti and smothered with shredded cheese.* Yum.
Since Ohio is to me what Germany is to David Hasselhoff,** I fully expect to be greeted with banners and much fanfare when I arrive. I may be setting myself up for disappointment with that theory (particularly since I didn't actually even warn Ohio that I was coming), but this is, of course, only one of many amusing little delusions regularly stirring around within my pretty little head, so I'm sure I will forget about it soon enough. They do have wine in Ohio, right? That oughtta distract me from my misguided hopes of fame and fortune for a while...
I haven't taken a bonafide road trip in about nine years, so my vision of the whole experience may be a bit hazy. I am imagining wild and memorable times, when in fact, it will likely be just an amusing and yet relatively uneventful 26 hours in the car with some friends. And really, that is fine with me, I guess. I mean, the movie version of a road trip is exciting, sure, but it can be a hassle and a pain as well. As an example, here are five things that could happen on my road trip this weekend, if what I've seen in movies is any indication.
- I could fall asleep while my friend Greg is driving and wake up to hear a couple on the opposite side of a divided highway shouting that we are going the wrong way. The four of us will, of course, chuckle carelessly to ourselves, thinking, "What do they mean we're going the wrong way? How do they know where we're going?" Shortly thereafter, we could collide head-on with a semi. Or just be scared shitless by one.
- I could decide to transport a supposedly dead deer in the back seat of the car, only to realize, several miles down the road, that the deer is not quite dead and is instead going to tear up the insides of the rental car trying desperately to escape.
- My friend Lisa and I could unexpectedly decide to murder a man who messed with us in a bar, and we could find ourselves on the run from the law, try to escape to Mexico, and instead careen ourselves (and our rental car) into the Grand Canyon.
- We could miss a turn and head west instead of east, and end up in Las Vegas, where we would count cards in our K-Mart underwear and bet our way to the winner's suite for the night.
- Our car could lose its first and second gears, requiring us to run alongside it, pushing it to get to an adequate speed, and then jump quickly inside once it kicks in.
And really, that's just a brief sampling of all the things that might happen while I'm gone. I guess I have 13 hours on the road tomorrow to think about many more.
Have a great weekend, everyone. I'll catch you all next week.
P.S. Please don't rob my house while I'm away. I have people in Ohio who will hunt you down if you do.
* Darren, I totally wanted to link to your Cincinnati chili post here, to make up for you being the only blogger I didn't link to in my scattered whirlwind of a post yesterday, but 11:53 p.m. is just too damn late to be combing through your archives when I have a 7:00 departure time in the morning. (Feel free to refer us back to that post to enlighten us in the comments, though, if you like.)
** I am, of course, exaggerating more than a bit. But I am big in Ohio, after all.