This just in: It is hot. Also, I have tips. (Many tips. English tips. Or, no tips. There won't be any tips of any kind.)

First things first. I feel compelled to mention that it is currently 87 degrees in my house. I know this not just because of the handy little digital display on the programmable thermostat in my bedroom, but because the previous owner left no fewer than eight thermometers situated in various areas of my home. Apparently Ralph was a bit of a weather buff. I am actually afraid to go see how much hotter the upstairs thermometer reads. (Hot air rises, after all. Science is fun, folks.) Actually, I'm not so much afraid to go up there as too lazy to do so. Let's just say it's likely 110 up there and leave it at that.

Anyway, I am hot. That is my point. And to all those people I scoffed at when they said they couldn't live without central air? All those people to whom I've said, "You really only need it four days a year..." To all those people, I would like to say, OK fine. You are right. Now can I come sleep at your house tonight, please?

Honestly, what the fuck, people? It is only June. Argh.

All right then. Moving on. Since I have been a bit delinquent and tardy in my Friday Five postings of late, I thought I would get this one in early this week. The topic I'm going with tonight is not culled from any particularly recent experience. I haven't been on a date since the very nice but unattractive guy I met in the Mixology class a while back. Still. I've dated enough in the past couple of years that I'd like to think I've picked up at least a few pointers along the way. And not just pointers for myself (although those are plentiful, too). I'm talking about pointers for the men out there looking to get in good with the women they date.

This post is actually probably a dumb idea, now that I think about it, because (A) by my non-scientific calculations, I have approximately six men reading my blog, and (B) if I do have more than six men reading, a topic like this is more likely to offend and drive them away than make them feel I've helped in any real way.

I don't care. I'm going here anyway. Controversy be damned. Ready?


Five things all men should know about dating us

1. You really do need to pay for the first date. No, you shouldn't have to. No, it's not "fair" or "right." Yes, it is the 21st century, and yes, chances are the woman you're with calls herself a feminist. I don't care. It is what it is. Just trust me on this. Pay. Don't blame me. Blame the 95% of other guys who insist on ponying up the bill for that initial date. In comparison to them, you'll look cheap, no matter how unreasonable and unfair that may be.
   
   
2. While we're on the topic of first dates, stop thinking that drinks are the better option for a first date just because you don't want to invest the time or cash for dinner. If you choose the right place*, dinner can cost less than two drinks, and you can be out in an hour and a half. Drinks can drag on indefinitely. I speak from experience on this.
   
   * "Right place" does not mean overtly cheap. I am not suggesting a McDonald's or even Chipotle date. But there are plenty of kitschy and cheap but charming dive bars with good enough burgers to divert attention from the menu price. As a bonus, you get a casual laid-back atmosphere that always wins over stuffy first-date spots.
   
   
3. If you pick her up, walk her to the door at the end of the night. Not only will it gain you points for chivalry in an age when chivalry is at best a novelty, but it also effectively facilitates the lean-in for a goodnight kiss. You can both hem and haw and make small talk in your car, neither one knowing whether to shut up and move forward or not, but the walk to the door is a cut-to-the-chase smooth exit plan with an automatic setup for a doorstep kiss.
   
   P.S. Ladies, this tip has a flip-side, as so many tips do. If you do not want a kiss, it's really best, of course, not to let the guy near your front door. A quick "thanks for a nice time" with your hand on the car door handle is typically the best option in that scenario. If you play it abruptly enough, you may not even have to have the awkward, "I'm just not feelin' it" follow-up conversation. [OK, honestly, you all hate me now, right? You're thinking I deserve to be single for life? Ugh. I am sorry. Just telling it like it is.]
   
   
4. Please, do us all a favor and forget you ever saw the movie Swingers. The "three-day rule" is not a rule; it's a ridiculous and insulting game you play with our heads. Forget anything you've ever heard about waiting too soon to call after meeting (or after a date). I know no woman who was otherwise interested in going out with a guy but changed her mind and called it off because he phoned the following day. It doesn't happen, guys. Surprise us. Call.
   
   
5. And finally, simply because I can't immediately think of another G- or PG-rated tip, I'm going to get uncharacteristically dirty for the second time this week and list something a bit more personal that's bugged me once or twice. You know how guys don't particularly like being pressured to perform? You know how it wounds your delicate egos if we ask you what's wrong or demand more than you've got at the moment? Well, the same thing goes for women, whether you choose to believe it or not. We may or may not "get there," but it doesn't mean we didn't still have a lovely time. Let it go. Don't pester and make us feel self-conscious. Better luck next time, OK?
   

Incidentally, I fully realize some of these may be controversial, so feel free to dispute me with your own arguments. No hate comments, please; we're all entitled to divergent views. Tell me, however, what tips are on your list?