Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Tidbits without pants

  1. First off, I should clarify that I am wearing pants. But for some reason, whenever I think the word "tidbits" in my head, it is followed by "without pants." Can anyone tell me WHY? Because I have no idea. I must have read it somewhere. Did one of you use that as a post title once? No? I'm just a crazy lady? I thought so.

  2. Speaking of pants (or no pants), I am totally following Miss Pants's lead with the itemized list of randomness. How's it working for you so far? (Don't answer that.)

  3. In the past 24 hours, I have squashed no fewer than four tiny flying gnat-like things in my bathroom and computer room. There is no food in my kitchen that might explain a fruit fly infestation, my windows have not been open for weeks, and my garbage can should contain nothing particularly organic or questionable at the moment. So WHERE are they coming from? I am terrified I am eventually going to find a rotting, scary, long-forgotten nectarine that rolled behind a piece of furniture somewhere, but I am too mortified (read: lazy) to look for it.

  4. That reminds me of a story. Not the story involving the fruit fly infestation around my desk at work last summer (because I am still too horrified to share how that happened), but a story from when I first moved into my house five years ago. Because you don't have to worry about earning back a rental deposit when you sell a house, the previous owners didn't bother to clean a single room of my new home before I moved in. (I only hope karma paid them back nicely for that one.) As a result, I spent my first day here surrounded by boxes, on my hands and knees scrubbing my refrigerator, toilet, and bathtub. Good times. A couple days later, my good friend Lisa (bless her heart) came over to help me scrub away the sticky yellow grime that mysteriously coated nearly every surface in my kitchen. At some point about halfway into the project, Lisa looked up and cried, "I keep expecting to find a whole pork chop in here!" We never found one, but I wouldn't have been surprised if we had.

  5. This afternoon, my favorite coworker sent me an email that said, "I am pulling an HMC* and leaving for a bit without telling anyone where I'm going. I'd explain, but I'm sure you would say it was TMI. I'll be back shortly." Because you can't get a message like that and not be curious, I replied, and she finally admitted that my half-joking guess was correct and she had some indelicate stomach issues that she didn't want to attend to in our office's not-so-soundproof one-seater located in a high-traffic area in the center of the building. I thought perhaps she'd made the quick drive back to her own house for the Home Toilet Advantage**, but she later explained that she'd instead run to the public library (a half-block away) and relieved herself there. Rather than being incredulous or mortified, I told her that was actually a brilliant idea and I would have to remember it the next time I find myself in a similar emergency situation. The problem, of course, is that now should I ever tell her, "I'm going to the library," she is going to think I'm using this new secret code to give her more information than she needs about my digestive tract. It turns out there's a reason we don't talk about this sort of thing in polite company, isn't there?

    * HMC is an acronym we use for the coworker we can't stand. It's not even that great of a nickname, so that's all I'll say about that.

    ** I just tried to Google my way back to the blog where I originally heard this term, and while I didn't find the one I was looking for, I did find a few other blogs that mentioned it. And because I was foolish enough to click on them, those blog owners are going to see me in their search engine hits and wonder about me the same way I have wondered about everyone who's ever Googled their way to MY blog with the words "human castration story." (I swore I would never type that here again, but frankly, the damage is already done and those searchers are never, ever going away, so once more really can't do any harm.)


  6. The coworker we can't stand recently threatened to sue the gym where we all get free memberships. I think my boss is officially exasperated with her. Also, we learned that the gym personnel have their own special nickname for my least favorite coworker, and it's actually way better than ours. I cannot share it without giving away said coworker's last name, but I will say that it starts with "Evil" and rhymes with the name of a famous motorcycle daredevil named "Evel [something similar to my coworker's last name]." It's brilliant, really.

  7. Speaking of the gym, I think a sixty-year-old man may have hit on me there yesterday. Or not. Maybe he was just being friendly. He glanced over as I was getting up from the weight machine next to him, and he said, "Is that enough weight for you?" Because I am paranoid, I answered, "Uh, I think so. Why? Am I a wuss?" He laughed and said, "No! I actually meant the opposite! That was supposed to be a compliment!" And then he followed me around the weight room, choosing the machine next to mine three separate times, twice clarifying, "I meant that as a compliment! I'm sorry!" Um, OK sir. I'm just going to turn my iFraud up a bit now, 'kaythanksbye.

  8. Sunday night I went to a David Sedaris reading, and tonight I am going to a Sarah Vowell one. I'm pretty sure neither of them would ever type a random list of mini-stories and call it publishable. We'll just say that's one more reason I'm not the writer either of them is.

15 comments:

Aaron said...

I have a weird crush on Sarah Vowell. It's the history nerdery.

Neurotic Grad Student said...

It's like NPR love in your world. I love them both and am jealous, of course.

flurrious said...

Do you have any new houseplants? That might account for the gnats. If you think that's what it is, you need to isolate it from the other plants until you stop seeing the gnats; otherwise, all your plants will get them.

I think a sixty-year-old hit on me the other day at Target! He kept following me around talking about "kids today," and I was like, "um, okay Grandpa, but you and I are not exactly contemporaries, so please go away before I start sobbing."

-R- said...

Tidbits without pants? I have no idea what that is about. I think you are just weird.

How was Sarah Vowell? I am sad I didn't go see her tonight, but I was at work until 7:30.

Alice said...

1. i just googled "human castration story" to see what clearly awesome post of yours would come up. fyi, googling it in quotes like that only brings up this exact post; googling it WITHOUT quotes brings up your blog on the second page. fyi. :-)

2. i am so infintinely jealous of david sedaris and sarah vowell in one week.

3. i'm pretty happy we have a nice big bathroom at work, with several stalls, REALLY far from my desk.

3carnations said...

We've got the one seater in our office, too, and I'm SURE I've blogged about it. I've held the need to visit that room for an hour to avoid going back there when people are in the break room (conveniently located right next to it), or when the office is too darn quiet. I shouldn't have to worry that much about using the restroom.

Poppy said...

1. I don't know, but your post title made me instantly think of the Peter Gabriel song, "games without frontiers, war without tears."

3. Are they sewer flies????

5. At the job interview I was at yesterday the supervisor for the position brought me to speak with some other people for a while, and asked that I be returned to her when they were done talking with me. When I was done speaking with them I was told the supervisor had left for the day. I think that qualifies as an HMC. I still want that job, though.

7. That's flattering. Maybe he's your soulmate!

8. HOLY CRAP I AM JEALOUS OF YOU, ON BOTH ACCOUNTS! I love them both.

lizgwiz said...

I get gnats sometimes, too. No idea why.

I used to have a co-worker who'd dash up the block to McDonald's in that situation. At this point, though, we've all worked here together so long that we just do what needs to be done, spray the Lysol and get over it. Like one big happy family. Heh.

Courtney said...

Now every time I pass a library bathroom I'm going to wonder if anyone escaped there to take care of their digestive issues.

I hate people who make a joke and then spend the next hour apologizing in case it offended you. Don't tell a joke if you're so worried about it!

nancypearlwannabe said...

See, I was listening to David Sedaris on This American Life and I decided I cannot stand his voice. CANNOT. So seeing him live might be out of the question. I will stick to his (hilarious) books.

Also, this made me glad I don't work in a public library.

Noelle said...

I think you just cracked the mystery of the weird Google hit. It's just from people looking to figure out what they wrote one time.

Also, I'm reading the Sarah Vowell book, currently. It's good, much better than "Mayflower," which I abandoned.

badger reader said...

My work also has the one stall, but it is an actual stall inside the bathroom, so my coworkers will actually stand and wait for the person occupying the stall to finish. Argh. I have never had the courage to venture out to another outside business. We're talking about digestive issues here - what if I didn't make it that far?
I loved Sarah Vowell on the Daily Show the other week. One of Jon's best interviews lately. So often it seems like the people just come on there to laugh, not really promote or explain anything.

12ontheinside said...

The library loo! Just brilliant. I need to find a job near a library. Or a courthouse might be a good one, then you're unlikely to run into anyone you know (and if you do they are sure to avoid you too).

Miss Pants said...

Oooo! Sarah Vowell! I've not seen her do a live reading, but I listened to her on CD when I drove from California to Utah.

I saw David Sedaris on Monday in SLC. LOVE HIM!

61 year old? YUCK.

It's all about the list! xoxo

Stefanie said...

Aaron--That's not a weird crush at all. I have a bit of a crush on her myself.

NGS--To top it off, I saw a Garrison Keillor documentary on Thursday. It was totally an NPR Nerd week.

Flurrious--New house plants? No, but I have an old one that frankly has seen better days. Maybe you're right and the gnats are circling from there.

R--I kept meaning to tell you about Sarah Vowell in case you hadn't heard she was in town! Sorry about that.

Alice--The last time I Googled that to see where I fell, I was I think the fifth result. Glad to know my rank is apparently getting lower.

3Cs--Sounds like you need a library nearby.

Poppy--What is it with you and the less-than-appealing candidates for my soul mate?? ;-)

Liz--One big happy dysfunctional family perhaps?

Courtney--I know; I fear I have ruined library bathrooms for all of you now!

NPW--Really? I like listening to him read his own stories. The delivery is key sometimes.

Noelle--I don't think I'd even start "Mayflower," so you're ahead of me there.

Badger--Ooh, that sounds like the WORST! I'm glad we have a traditional one-seater at least, not that stall within a room thing.

12ontheinside--I think a lot of public places would work equally well. You'll have to explore. :-)

Pants--He had a busy day Monday then, making it all the way from Minneapolis to SLC! Glad you got to see him too!