Monday, October 06, 2008

What's that? Haven't I ever heard of Dooce? Why no, in fact, it rings no bell.

Well then. When we last left our heroine*, she was on her way out of town to enjoy wine and Catchphrase around a campfire with friends. I'm pleased to report back with a "check" and a "check" on the wine and the campfire. Catchphrase might have been more likely to happen had I remembered to pack it. Oh well. Next time.

* That would be me, but don't worry; I'm using the term lightly.

In all, I had a lovely weekend, and I hope you did as well. And even lovelier, I came into work today (late as usual, unfortunately), saw the empty desk on the wall that borders mine, and remembered that my newly least favorite coworker is out of the office for two more days. Oh, sweet daytime silence. I've missed you so.

I know it is in poor (read: stupid and possibly self-sabotaging) form to blog about that place that starts with a "w" and rhymes with "schmurk," but given that this particular desk neighbor is a thorn in the side of even the woman who controls my paycheck, I have a hard time believing this could get me in too much trouble. (Famous last words? Perhaps. And yet, I persist.)

On more than one occasion, friends have said to me, "How's your job, anyway? You don't really talk about work much." Indeed; I don't. That is because 95% of the time, when I leave work, I LEAVE WORK. I don't take it home with me, in mind or in matter. There are periods of stress and busyness, yes, but thankfully they are not the norm. For the most part, I have few complaints (save for the overly enthusiastic birthday singer and the hallway hugger, both of whom, I'll readily admit, mean well and yet annoy me anyway). Lately, however? Lately I have plenty to say when anyone brings up the "w" word. Why? Because not-so-recently, the wiseguy you may remember as Mr. "All Jeans, All the Time" left us and was replaced by a better dressed but far less competent woman who has seemingly made it her mission to work my last nerve.

There really isn't a story here (or, there probably is, but it's not one I feel like telling). Instead, then, I present a simple bulleted list of grievances, for my own agitation and your potential amusement. My new coworker...
  • Is currently sipping margaritas on a Mexican getaway, paid for with her ex-husband's frequent flier miles,
  • on a trip she should not even have been allowed to take, given that she's not been employed long enough to accrue vacation time,
  • and that she spent the last week working part time because of mysterious medical issues.
  • She is a size 4 and has Bebe Neuwirth legs, even though she readily admits she has not exercised in 15 years, and
  • I am pretty sure her "sweater muffins" were a gift from (and likely to) her ex-husband.
Of course, the more important things are that...
  • I have had to tell her three times where the UPS labels are kept, where various files on our network are stored, and generally how to do most pieces of her job, even though
  • Nearly every part of said job is painstakingly documented in great detail in a binder she claims to consult constantly.
It's much more amusing, however, to note that...
  • Her online dating profile is full of lies and strange delusions (which I know because she made the mistake of telling us which site she was using, apparently unaware that when bored and annoyed, I would shamelessly sleuth it out for my own--and another coworker's--entertainment).
What? I'm not proud. And given that I recently discovered this particular woman's personal email moniker is "[Town where she lives]babe," clearly neither is she.


Melliferous Pants said...

I worked with a guy who was the ultimate short-man tool. He was a know-it-all Napoleon complex who thought he was God's gift to women. (More like God's CURSE to women.)

I will always think fondly of the day a co-worker brought in a printed copy of his dating profile...with an introduction describing himself as an "International Man of Mystery." Which is exactly how most engineers are described, right?

steve said...

Woo! I got quoted! Sadly, not for something smart or useful, but for something I thought was hilarious in 5th grade, and should be embarrassed to say that I still find funny now.

3carnations said...

Coworkers often make for the best blogging, as you know that I know only too well. :)

nancypearlwannabe said...

It's good to know that these people exist outside of an education job as well.

flurrious said...

Ah, the mysterious medical malady. We have an assistant who has a lot of these. She never calls in sick, she calls in suffering from "gastrointestinal distress," or "pain management issues." It's all very serious.

Jess said...

Ugh. If I had to work with someone like that I would want to kick her in the face. Also, the term "sweater muffins" is hilarious.

lizgwiz said...

My favorite co-worker ever (and this was many years and several jobs ago) was a middle-aged woman who still thought she was pretty hot stuff, despite the fact that the combination of her chain smoker stench and the vast amounts of cheap perfume she bathed in to "cover" it left most of us unable to be in the same room with her. She was a pretty nice woman, despite all that, but I just couldn't sit near her, or my respiratory system would literally shut down.

Anonymous said...

I think she is ripe for fodder and I h ave a feeling this is going to get much, much worse before she leaves under mysterious, drawn-out circumstances. Which I cannot wait to hear about.

Noelle said...

he he Sweater Muffins.

Oh the things I could say if I could write about my co-workers, who also take more than their share of the allotted vacation time. But I don't mind, I use it as a justification when I come in an hour late every day.

Lara said...

I really, REALLY love that you found her online dating profile.

-R- said...

I want to know more about the lies and delusions in her profile!

Alice said...

oh man. i love SO MUCH about this post. and may i also say that i love your disdain for this coworker? in fact, i'd be happy to hear more about her. i'm with -R-, let's have some lies and delusions!! :-)

Courtney said...

Ew. She sounds awful. There's nothing worse than a co-worker that makes you want to die, because then you want to die for eight hours per day.

Enjoy your peace without her, and when she comes back and starts to annoy you, just think of "sweater muffins." It makes me laugh.

Aaron said...

People's lack of shame can be your gain, at least from a comedic standpoint. Bonus points for dropping a Bebe Neuwirth ref. Pop culture is lacking them.

Stefanie said...

Pants--Ha! See, this is actually a very solid reason I originally chose meMarmony instead of one of the many sites where anyone and everyone can peruse the profiles. Who knows what my coworkers would say about the way I describe ME??

Steve--Don't be embarrassed. If it weren't funny, we wouldn't have all laughed at it. :-)

3Cs--I do indeed know that. If ever YOU want a place to guest post your "its" story, just let me know. ;-)

NPW--Indeed; those with delusions of grandeur are everywhere.

Flurrious--My favorite is when someone calls in with the explanation that they "can't leave the toilet." Um, thanks for that visual. Also, thanks for not coming in.

Jess--Indeed. Way better than "funbags," right?

Liz--You just reminded me that I forgot to mention this coworker's "stress relief" lotion, which smells so vile, it gives me a headache. There is something decidedly NOT stress-relieving about that!

Monkey--I can't wait either. You know, because it will mean she has LEFT.

Noelle--An HOUR late?? Um, can I have your job?

Lara--My other coworker pretty much loved it, too.

-R- and Alice--Oh, it was just a lot of twisting the truth in ways that would be amusing only if you knew her. She paints herself as this upbeat, constantly positive, athletic, justifiably confident person. I see her as none of these.

Courtney--I really should share that term with my other coworker... although I'd have to find a way to tell her about it without mentioning blog friends. :-)

Aaron--What can I say? Lilith's got great legs.