Anyway, this isn't about Demi Moore or Whoopi Goldberg, nor is it about the routinely overactive imagination that forces me even to think about being kidnapped by a bad and lying man. This is about five more things probably none of you need to know about me. Specifically, Five Weird Things I Do While Getting Ready for Sleep or While Sleeping.
- I have a ridiculous obsessive compulsive routine I follow when setting my alarm. It goes something like this. Switch alarm setting to "Music" option. Confirm that little dot displays beside the time, noting that alarm is set. Press "Sleep" to activate radio and check the volume and reception of radio. Press "Snooze" to turn Sleep off. Press "Alarm time" button to make sure alarm is set to proper time. Press again to check for good measure. Worry that somehow the Sleep and Snooze button presses have deactivated the alarm setting. Slide alarm set switch to "Off" and back to "Music" setting again just to make sure. Possibly press "Alarm time" button to verify one more time. (Note: I do this EVERY. NIGHT. The whole routine takes only about six seconds, but still, I recognize it is insane.)
- I cannot get into bed without checking underneath it first. What I'm checking for I'm not sure, and if anyone were actually hiding out under there, I wouldn't be properly armed or prepared to deal with it anyway, and yet, I do this every night. (Note: I do not do this in hotel rooms. In most cases, hotel beds are installed on an enormous block bolted to the floor and therefore there is no "under the bed" to check, but mostly I just figure that what I might find under a hotel bed is likely to be more unsettling than not looking at all, and so I resist.)
- I will admit it: I am not one of those people with impeccable oral hygiene who dutifully flosses carefully every night. There. I said it. (Admit it, most of you don't, either.) I do, however, floss between at least two of my teeth every night, in a spot where I know food routinely gets stuck and where I'm consistently paranoid a cavity might form. Why I can't just spend another 30 seconds to floss the rest of my teeth once I'm there, I have no idea, but obviously my laziness knows no bounds.
- I take a drink of water immediately before brushing my teeth and have to take another one within two minutes after brushing my teeth. If I don't go back to the kitchen for another drink before I get into bed, I know I'll just have to get up again to do so in a matter of minutes. Something about brushing my teeth makes me inexplicably thirsty. (Does anyone else have this issue?)
- When I am sleeping in the same bed as someone else, I can somehow discipline my unconscious self to stay entirely within the confines of "my side," barely an inch from the place I started. (Note: Rolling over for periodic spooning is not included here. I'm talking primarily about hotel stays when I've had to share a bed with a friend who I'm not dating. Sleeping with someone I actually want to sidle up against is a remote and foreign memory to me these days.) When I'm sleeping in a bed by myself, however, I roll around and flail my arms with strange abandon. I have actually woken up with sleep clothes so disheveled, one arm is fully out of its sleeve or camisole strap. How I do this, I have no idea, but it's happened more than thrice.
Just out of curiosity, does the fact that none of those really seem that odd to me mean I am entirely out of touch with reality, or just that I have read enough similarly absurd confessions on the Internet to know that "weird" is entirely the norm? I think I'm going to have to say it's the latter, though feel free to dispute me on that.