Friday, July 13, 2007

If the Internet has taught me anything, it's that "weird" is entirely relative

I came across this "Weird Sleep Things" list on Typical Redhead linked from Poppy Cedes recently. While I am wholly confident that I have already told the Internet more than enough "weird things" about me, I also know that it is too damn hard to pass up an easy-to-copy list topic 55 weeks into this Friday Five game of mine. I actually worry sometimes that I am giving away too many pointless little secrets about myself online... that someday, a bad man will capture and kidnap me, and he will try to convince me that he has been in contact with my sisters or my friends or an ex-boyfriend by relaying something that no one but that person could possibly know about me. Publishing all my ridiculous secrets online is not a very good way to ensure that no one but [insert any specific person here] knows some strange and trivial fact about me. It's a good thing Demi Moore in Ghost didn't have a blog, or she never would have believed that Whoopi Goldberg was in contact with her dead boyfriend and let her and an invisible Patrick Swayze in her home.

Anyway, this isn't about Demi Moore or Whoopi Goldberg, nor is it about the routinely overactive imagination that forces me even to think about being kidnapped by a bad and lying man. This is about five more things probably none of you need to know about me. Specifically, Five Weird Things I Do While Getting Ready for Sleep or While Sleeping.

  1. I have a ridiculous obsessive compulsive routine I follow when setting my alarm. It goes something like this. Switch alarm setting to "Music" option. Confirm that little dot displays beside the time, noting that alarm is set. Press "Sleep" to activate radio and check the volume and reception of radio. Press "Snooze" to turn Sleep off. Press "Alarm time" button to make sure alarm is set to proper time. Press again to check for good measure. Worry that somehow the Sleep and Snooze button presses have deactivated the alarm setting. Slide alarm set switch to "Off" and back to "Music" setting again just to make sure. Possibly press "Alarm time" button to verify one more time. (Note: I do this EVERY. NIGHT. The whole routine takes only about six seconds, but still, I recognize it is insane.)

  2. I cannot get into bed without checking underneath it first. What I'm checking for I'm not sure, and if anyone were actually hiding out under there, I wouldn't be properly armed or prepared to deal with it anyway, and yet, I do this every night. (Note: I do not do this in hotel rooms. In most cases, hotel beds are installed on an enormous block bolted to the floor and therefore there is no "under the bed" to check, but mostly I just figure that what I might find under a hotel bed is likely to be more unsettling than not looking at all, and so I resist.)

  3. I will admit it: I am not one of those people with impeccable oral hygiene who dutifully flosses carefully every night. There. I said it. (Admit it, most of you don't, either.) I do, however, floss between at least two of my teeth every night, in a spot where I know food routinely gets stuck and where I'm consistently paranoid a cavity might form. Why I can't just spend another 30 seconds to floss the rest of my teeth once I'm there, I have no idea, but obviously my laziness knows no bounds.

  4. I take a drink of water immediately before brushing my teeth and have to take another one within two minutes after brushing my teeth. If I don't go back to the kitchen for another drink before I get into bed, I know I'll just have to get up again to do so in a matter of minutes. Something about brushing my teeth makes me inexplicably thirsty. (Does anyone else have this issue?)

  5. When I am sleeping in the same bed as someone else, I can somehow discipline my unconscious self to stay entirely within the confines of "my side," barely an inch from the place I started. (Note: Rolling over for periodic spooning is not included here. I'm talking primarily about hotel stays when I've had to share a bed with a friend who I'm not dating. Sleeping with someone I actually want to sidle up against is a remote and foreign memory to me these days.) When I'm sleeping in a bed by myself, however, I roll around and flail my arms with strange abandon. I have actually woken up with sleep clothes so disheveled, one arm is fully out of its sleeve or camisole strap. How I do this, I have no idea, but it's happened more than thrice.

Just out of curiosity, does the fact that none of those really seem that odd to me mean I am entirely out of touch with reality, or just that I have read enough similarly absurd confessions on the Internet to know that "weird" is entirely the norm? I think I'm going to have to say it's the latter, though feel free to dispute me on that.


-R- said...

I almost always say "Good night" out loud right before I fall asleep, and it drives H CRAZY.

I don't think anything on your list is weird except for the tooth brushing making you thirsty item. How vigorously do you brush?!

Poppy said...

Yup, you're weird. But in the very good way. :)

Noelle said...

I have one ritual that I like to partake in every night before bed, but I don't feel comfortable talking about it on someone else's blog.

Let me just say that I was delighted to recently discover that this ritual, when done properly, cures the hiccups.

Whiskeymarie said...

I have an insane face-washing routine that makes me wonder if I hit my head too many times in the past.
Also, if I have to set an alarm (I know, I'm spoiled that this is such a rarity) I double (really not the correct word here) check it something like 47 times, when I know that I'll wake up like clockwork exactly 12 seconds before the alarm will go off anyways.

I check under the bed too. You really can't be too careful about those things.

3carnations said...

Oh my gosh, I've got a very similar clock ritual! Our clock has two alarms, so I set one to music and one to alarm about 10 minutes after. I check both times before turing the alarms on. After turning the alarms on, I check the times again. I make sure both little dots are lit indicating that the alarm is on, then I lay down. Then I sit up, put my glasses back on, and make sure both little dots are lit up. I don't check the music volume level, but I think I am equally obsessive compulsive in my clock checking. Don't even get me started about how I make sure that doors and windows are locked and that the stove is off (even if it hasn't been used in 3 days)...

lizgwiz said...

I have to pee the very last thing before I go to bed. And if I lay there any length of time before nodding off, I have to get up and go again, just in case. I do pretty much the same thing when I'm in a play, as well--one last potty trip right before I go onstage. I don't know why I'm so obsessive about it--I've never come close to wetting the bed OR wetting my pants onstage.

The alarm clock obsession is a little weird, seeing as how you don't have cats that could walk over the clock and mess with the settings. Yes, I have used that as an excuse for being late. It was true, I swear!

Anonymous said...

The checking under the bed thing seems kind of strange, but who am I to judge?

I brush, floss, AND rinse every night.

Anonymous said...

I don't check under the bed, but I do worry that something is under there waiting to grab my ankles. I'm sure not going to look, though. If it happens, it happens.

Single Jens said...

I do the exact same routine with my alarm clock. Every. Single. Time.

Then there is the peeing thing. I get up and down 3-4 times before going to sleep because I hate to get up in the middle of the night. But, inevitably, I still get up in the middle of the night.

I need to floss more.


L Sass said...

I think these habits are moderately weird. One might say quirky! Esp. the checking under the bed thing. I've never been afraid of people / monsters / mice / ninjas hanging out under my bed. In my tiny NYC apt, I have too much crap under my bed for any illicit visitors, anyway.

Stefanie said...

R--It's not the vigor; I think it's the toothpaste. Toothpaste really doesn't make you thirsty? Hmm.

Poppy--Good to know.

Noelle--I am intrigued. Is it a story for a future Raunchy Thursday, perhaps?

WM--I could probably use a more serious face-washing routine, so I'm not going to judge you for that.

3Cs--I definitely could have added "check that the door is locked" to my list as well. Forgot about that one.

Liz--Oh yeah. Add "pee one more time" to my list, too. :-)

Darren--Well good for you. Your dentist must be very pleased.

Nabbalicious--I admire your devil-may-care, throw-caution-to-the-wind attitude. I'm still checking under the bed, though.

SJ--So it sounds like we're the same on all those counts. So either I'm not weird or we both are. Take your pick. :-) Also, tell the other Jen that I have not forgotten about her request for things to do in Minneapolis. I am just inexcusably slow in responding to that!

L Sass--Yeah, people / monsters / mice / ninjas... and don't forget creepy undead toddlers wielding scalpels! Man, "Pet Semetary" really messed me up...

Anonymous said...

I totally do the alarm thing. But I have a clock with a dual alarm AND I set my cellphone.

As far as the bed thing goes: I flail. AND? When really stressed, I have been known to wake up in bed naked, with my pajamas neatly folded on the floor next to my head.