Friday, July 06, 2007

Stones, glass houses... you know how it goes.

The other day, I found myself inwardly chastising a middle-aged male co-worker who showed up to work in a button-up shirt and khakis paired with white socks and leather sandals. I shook my head in horror, marveling at the level of dorkitude he was able to achieve with that one bold wardrobe choice.

A few hours later, an incident while shopping forced me to rethink my air of superiority, and several other events throughout this particularly dorktastic week have served as further humbling proof that I'm really in no position to judge anyone. I may not wear socks with sandals, but there are plenty of other good, solid reasons that I am a tremendous oaf/loser/uncoordinated fool. I'm not too proud to share, so here are five of them.

  1. In the dairy aisle at the grocery store recently, I walked towards the refrigerator case across from the milk, where I've always found my Kraft Deli-Thin Sliced Swiss before, only to see that the case is now filled with butter and tubes of cookie dough instead. In my brain, the words I immediately said were, "Who moved my cheese??" (And then I looked around quickly to make sure I had, in fact, used my inside-my-head voice for that and not my out-loud one. Whew.)

  2. Earlier this week, I decided to wear the new American Apparel skirt I bought in Columbus. As usual, I tried it on one more time before clipping the tag (which was pointless in this case, really, as there is no American Apparel store here and therefore I was basically stuck with the skirt, like it or not). I then must have moved directly on to some other, more important task, because I didn't think about that tag again until I was sitting at work, fidgeting with my waistband, trying to figure out what on earth would be poking and scratching me so much. I'm a quick study, folks. Yay me.

  3. That same day, I noticed a few little gnats or fruit flies circling near my desk, and I was immediately annoyed and indignant, wondering who had thrown something inappropriate in the uncovered trash can in the kitchen and caused such a disgusting disturbance. I smushed four of the damn little things before I finally moved the vinyl lunch bag I'd had sitting on my desk for who knows how long and inadvertently stirred up several more. I was too horrified to even look inside to see if it was a banana or a peach or who knows what else that caused fruit flies to spawn on the rot. I immediately folded the bag tight against itself and took it to the dumpster outside. And then shuddered repeatedly in my seat for the next two hours. Yech.

  4. In one day (this Fourth of July Wednesday), I (A) cut myself shaving... three times, (B) drew blood stabbing myself on a plastic bottle, (C) nearly fell over whilst spinning around to show how twirly my skirt was, and (D) missed a step on a reasonably well-lit front stoop and nearly face-planted on the ground. Note: I was almost entirely sober during each and every one of these mishaps.

  5. And finally, the ultimate in my terrible, "I'm very worried about my brain" week... I returned from work tonight and decided it was about time to haul out the cumbersome, noisy, and inefficient air conditioner units in my basement and finally get them into my windows for the season. In the process, I managed to rip the ill-fitting plastic accordion-folded piece that I typically tape between the unit and the window frame, so I had to improvise and cut a piece of cardboard for that space instead. I was actually mentally patting myself on the back, thinking how much better the cardboard fit in place anyway and wondering why I haven't just used cardboard for this purpose every year... Then I went outside to check the seal from the other angle, and only then did I say to myself, "Hey genius. Cardboard isn't waterproof, and it actually does, on occasion, rain a bit." Here's hoping the layer of duct tape I applied is sufficient in keeping out both water and intruders. (Kidding on that second part. I've actually got a really sophisticated method involving wooden dowels to keep the bad guys out.)


So. In summary, I am smart. And coordinated. And always thinking on my toes. Or, quite obviously, I am none of these. But at least I don't wear socks with sandals. There is that, anyway.

14 comments:

Noelle said...

No wonder we got along so well. I spent an entire day with my shirt inside out this week. Thankfully, I've never work sandals with socks. In public. This year.

Poppy Cede said...

I have starred this post in Google Reader because it is my most favorite of any post of yours I've ever read.

How does that make you feel?

sognatrice said...

I love the skirt-twirling part, and I'm glad you didn't actually go down :)

melissa said...

Don't feel so bad. In the course of one week, I had a picture frame fall on my head when I jolted out of bed becuase the alarm was too loud, fell off my chair at work, tripped up the stairs to the office, had a peice of my granola bar fly into my eye when I opened it with too much enthusiasm, and got the most ginormous bruise on my thigh at soccer practise (which I still don't know exactly how it happened). It was a tough week. And to top it off....sometimes...I do wear socks with my old Adidas sandals. But only when I am running silly errands. No serious outings in socks and sandals.

And PS....nice skirt!!!!

The Other Girl said...

Evidence of my dorktasticity is that I don't see what's so wrong with fanny packs. I don't wear one because I know that it would inevitably lead to mocking, but ... sometimes I wish I could.

bk said...

Socks with sandals has to be better than my co-worker who does the barefoot sandal thing with toe nails that have not been trimmed since the mid-eighties. Disgusting, just plain disgusting.

Whiskeymarie said...

I left a banana on my desk over spring break this year. Not good.

I have also had shaving issues this week. A few days ago I didn't realize I had done it again and went to pull one of my favorite skirts on...and left a lovely stripe of blood.

L Sass said...

Stefanie, some of these stories may reveal a dorkalicious tendency, but none of them come close to equaling the sin of wearing socks with sandals. Feel free to judge your coworker with impunity!

stefanie said...

Noelle--I'm sure I've done the shirt-inside-out thing at least once. Maybe even backwards, too. We are kindred dorky spirits, indeed. :-)

Poppy--Really? Well, thanks. I guess it just shows I never really know which posts are going to resonate with people most.

Sognatrice--Nope, I didn't go down, but I did take a bit of ribbing for it.

Melissa--OK, the granola bar part cracked me up. Also, since you are having an equally clumsy week, maybe we can just say it's something about the phase or position of the moon. Works for me!

TOG--I have a fanny pack that I wear while biking. But ONLY while biking. Does that make it OK? Also, I have seen some belt-bags on Craftster that are flat (not bulky like a true "fanny pack") and made of funky fabrics and actually look like a great idea for events when you don't want to be bothered to carry a purse. You should check that out.

BK--I didn't consider the toenail issue. You may have a point there.

WM--Oh, I hate it when I notice the shave cut too late. I hope you were able to salvage the skirt!

L Sass--Thanks! :-) I love it when people give me permission to be judgmental.

metalia said...

Yeah, it's posts like these that solidify our blog-friendship. Y'know, because I would do(or have already done) EVERY ONE OF THESE THINGS AT SOME POINT. :)

lizgwiz said...

Oh man, I HATE those little gnats. They're impossible to swat. Every attempt just wafts them up into the air.

I once used duct tape to finish sealing one of those pleated a/c pieces that didn't fit just right, and it worked just fine. Duct tape is magic. (The redneck toolbox: duct tape to hold it together, wd40 to get it apart.) ;)

Paisley said...

...and you don't wear socks with sandals AT WORK!

Glad you didn't bite it twirling your skirt. :)

and hey - at least you didn't leave on the plastic strip that screams to everyone what size you are wearing AND that you didn't wash your clothes before wearing them new. There's always that.

:)

LC said...

Stefanie,

You made me feel like I'm not alone after reading this. I always wonder whether if there's anything wrong with me when I do stuff like what you mentioned here. I feel relived when it happens to someone else.

stefanie said...

Metalia--Every one except the white socks with khakis and leather sandals one, right? ;-)

Liz--I honestly have no idea how anyone installs a window air conditioner WITHOUT using duct tape. I'm glad I'm not alone on this.

Paisley--Um, I have actually done that. More than once. Thanks for trying, though. ;-)

LC--That's what the Internet is for, right? Proving that none of us are alone? Glad I could help. :-)