Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Isn't that what we're all asking in our own lives: "Where's my elephant?"

Happy Tuesday, friends. Or, er, Wednesday, by the time any of you likely read this. I should probably just leave day of the week out of this, I suppose. Frankly, I am stalling because I am trying to decide whether or not I should write about a boy. Maybe even two boys. Or hell, possibly three. But probably only two. It is the Year of Stef, however. If ever there were a time to write about three boys, it would be now, don't you agree?

I can think of a few very good reasons not to write about boys, though, some of which I also shouldn't write about, despite the fact that all this self-censorship and crypticness is not my norm. By tomorrow at this time, I might know whether one of these boys is a story worth telling, but right now, he is still a big question mark. At the moment, he's just a face I've met only once, a name in my Inbox that makes me smile, but in another day it could be all deflated hope and awkwardness, an uncomfortable "Oh. Shit." when I hit "Check Mail" and see the line refresh. So much for my new-found optimism. Year of Stef indeed.

As usual, though, Lara's got my back, and she and Franny (the decision-making Unazukin I sent her for Christmas, which she did not write about, I might add!) have decided to be optimistic on my behalf. She'll let you know how that works out, perhaps. Maybe even a video post of Lara conversting with Franny should be in order. (Lara, you're set up for a vBlog, aren't you? No? OK, forget I said that.)

In the mean time, then, how about something obviously equally important and interesting? That's right: an update on my Chia Elephant's progress.

People, I have to admit I was a little disappointed when I read the fine print on my new toy. I foolishly assumed a Chia Pet was like a cuddly and cute little houseplant--something that would keep growing provided I didn't subject it to total neglect. It turns out it requires near constant care, what with all the refilling through the little hole on top and the dumping of water from the plastic tray as that water seeps right through Stampy's feet and sides. (Of course I named him Stampy. There wasn't really any doubt, was there?) And for all this work, my Chia seeds are estimated to grow only for a month or so. A month! Gather ye rosebuds while ye may, Stampy. Old time is still a-flyin'. Once he's had his hey-day (or, I suppose, its Salvia hispanica day), I'll have to leave him scraped bare and stark terra cotta naked or start the whole process once more. I am more than a bit disappointed by this news. It's like Sea Monkeys all over again, I fear.

But still--for even a brief while, it's been a fun experiment. Dare I say Stampy's even added a wee bit of companionship to my little spinster life. I may not have a living, breathing, furry pet, but when the maybe-date I had last night asked me if I had any pets, I said, "Um, well, I have a Chia Pet..." And maybe the best part? A Chia doesn't try to bat around the yarn while you're knitting. If you ask me, this has been a major design flaw in the cat-spinster pairing all along.

So have you ever actually seen a Chia Pet go through its grow cycle yourself? If not, then you're in for a treat, folks. A little time lapse action for you.

Here's our friend Stampy approximately a day and a half after I spread the gelatinous seed paste on him. I neglected to take a picture initially. Surely I've had a blog long enough to have known a project would be in the works, but half-assed and late to the game is my typical mode of operation, so really this should be no great surprise.

Kinda seedy

Here you can see he's starting to grow some slimy little white roots. The packaging didn't warn me about this, and frankly it eeked me out more than a little bit. We all go through our awkward stages during adolescence, though. Why should a Chia Pet be any different?

And finally the white slime gives way to some green. There's hope for you yet, Stampy.

Still sort of gross, though. Let's capture a close-up just to be sure. Ew.


A few days later, he's looking a little less scary.

A little. Not entirely, mind you.

A few days later yet, and we have this. Looking more and more like the jingle-worthy commercial pic every day.

Note to self: Next time, skip spreading the seed paste on the legs. No one needs to see a hairy-legged elephant.

Finally! A coat to inspire the Ch-Ch-Ch-Chia jingle we know so well!

Speaking of said jingle, I cannot believe I forgot to tell you about the bonus gift that accompanied my pet. This one needs only batteries, not water or pasty chia seeds.

And it sings the Chia jingle--sings it in a way that is so campy and enthusiastic and fabulous, I actually need to do a Chia jig around my living room every time I press the right-most button. Maybe I'm the one who should be working on the technology for that vBlog, not Lara. Or then again, maybe not.


Noelle said...

I love it! You know, Birmingham used to like to head-butt me, and he wouldn't stop until I said, "Stampy, no!" That's the kind of intimacy that you just can't get on a first date. I hope at least one of the three guys will do that for you.

Aaron said...

Well it's about time, Stefanie!! I've been wondering as to the progress of your Chia friend; it's nice to be able to live vicariously through you (and Stampy).

As for your other potential friends, I, too, will be optimistic for you, even though I know nothing of the situation(s). Is that kinda like how blind faith works? Damn my lack of religion.

nancypearlwannabe said...

Eww! I had no idea Chia Pets were so gross to start out, with their little white roots and slimy paste. Kudos to you for continuing to care for little Stampy- I probably would have given him up as a lost cause the second I saw any signs of grossness.

Hmm. Maybe I should never have real pets.

3carnations said...

I think I was sadly misinformed about Chia pets...I thought it was an elephant shaped pot that would grow grass from the top. I didn't realize it sprouted on its body instead. Frankly, it creeps me out a little...

Love the clock, though!

Good luck with all those boys! I'm sure it's the year of Stef, since the year of Liz has passed...or continues, depending on how you look at it!

-R- said...

One of the boys isn't H, is it? I know he sent you an e-mail about clementines, but really Stefanie, having a crush on my husband is kind of weird.


Umm... yeah, that chia elephant looked really gross the first few days, but way to stick with it!

Stefanie said...

Noelle--"Stampy, no!" That's hilarious. And it's really only two date prospects and a couple other stories that don't really relate to date prospects. But if I'm being deliberately vague, then I don't know why I felt the need to clarify that.

Aaron--You know, I figured the Internet was probably wondering how Stampy was doing. And then I figured I probably overestimate the degree to which anyone ever thinks about anything I write about ever again. Thank you for making me believe at least one person was still curious about him.

NPW--Or children, probably. They can be pretty gross too.

3Cs--I knew about it growing on the body, but I didn't realize how gross it would look as it grew. Live and learn.

R--No, one of the boys isn't H. That's funny, though--I actually thought about writing about how H is a certified clementine expert and offered me some clementine consulting via email, but then I figured maybe I should let you save that for your own blog. :-)

Jess said...

Stampy is cute and all, but YES you should write about the boys. ALL THREE OF THEM. Stat!

Paisley said...

We had a chia HEAD and we named him Bob. He hung out by the sink until one day he looked rancid and unkempt. We promptly renamed him Chuck and took a picture of my dad tossing him into the outside trash can. His funeral, if you will.

Whiskeymarie said...

I really wanted a Chia pet, so I bought one. Then it seemed like a lot of work, and I didn't have anywhere to put it, and I hate waiting for things to "grow", and...

I gave it away.

Sigh. Yet another dream unrealized.

L Sass said...

Three boys??? What a way to start Year of Stef! I am optimistic, too.

steve said...

The close-up photo looks like he's covered in those damn sprouts I find on my sandwich on rare occasion.

Good luck with the boys. If any of 'em have any sense, they'll figure out how lucky they are.

Anonymous said...

Dare I say Stampy's even added a wee bit of companionship to my little spinster life.

I read this line as "Dare I say Stampy's even added a bit of wee to my little spinster life."

Naughty elephant!

lizgwiz said...

Damn it, blogger ate my comment, apparently. And it was brilliantly insightful, too.

Or not.

But I do definitely need to send you your Year of Stef Trophy--interesting times with boys are guaranteed to come with it. ;)

Stampy is adorable.

Lara said...

Man, am I a jerk for not writing about Franny yet? I have been waiting for the right moment, you know. Anyway, I am too busy dying laughing over your Chia photo-log. Awesome. Yay, Stampy!!

Anonymous said...

PLEASE tell me that the Chia clock-thing is not an alarm clock, and that you do not in fact WAKE UP to the Chia jingle. Because if you do, I'm just not sure how I feel about that.

Stefanie said...

Jess--Patience, my friend. I don't know that any of them are stories worth telling at this point. (Wait. When has that ever stopped me before? Good point.)

Paisley--Aw, poor Bob. Frankly, I always thought the Chia Head was kinda creepy. (You know, and the elephant isn't creepy one bit...)

WM--Well, if you're ranking your unrealized dreams, let's keep the Chia one pretty low down on the priority level, OK?

L Sass--Thanks. We shall see if all this optimism does any good.

Steve--I hate it when anyone puts sprouts on my sandwich. And now I'll probably hate it even more. Also, you are too kind. The bigger question though, of course, is whether *I* will deem myself lucky when with them!

Srah--Ew. Dirty!

Liz--I hate it when Blogger does that. :-( I assure you I didn't have anything to do with making your comment disappear!

Lara--Not a jerk at all. Glad you like your new little plastic life coach, though.

Cookie--It IS indeed an alarm clock! And I COULD wake up to the Chia jingle. Rest assured I am not doing so, however, and I have no plans to start anytime soon.

bleeding espresso said...

Can you trim a Chia? Because honestly, Stampy was looking a little scruffy in parts. But I suppose if it only lasts for a month anyway....

Poppy Cede said...

According to my M&Ms it's the year of Poppy rather than the year of Stef. But, ya know, same difference.