Welcome to "Stefanie Says." Can I help you?

No, unfortunately, I cannot. Not if you're looking for details on grown-up Stephanie Tanner's fall into a life of meth, anyway.

I hadn't heard that little bit of news myself; apparently I was slacking in my attention to celebrity gossip last week. Then I saw this posted on A Drawer Full of Papers, and suddenly I understood why "Stephanie from Full House Meth" showed up in my Sitemeter referrals list. Four times. Sheesh--You mention a cheesy 80s sitcom one time, and you make one tiny, totally unrelated reference to meth amphetamines just in passing, and suddenly this is where the gossip hounds end up.

Well, I can't tell you anything more about Ms. Sweetin's meth addiction. You'll have to research that elsewhere. Here are some more things I really can't tell you about.*

• Scooby Doo Flavored Popsicle - I had no idea anyone was marketing such a thing, but if it's anything like the DQ Scooby Doo Mystery Crunch Blizzard Flavor Treat that had my dad pooping blue for two days back in 2002, I'd recommend you stay away from it.
  
  
• I rode the short bus - That's OK. So does Spider-Man. Don't let the bullies get you down, man.
  
  
• Darren cheated on Jenny - Look. I understand you're upset. You want answers. You want an explanation. But if you're wondering why he cheated on her, I don't think Google can tell you. If you just want to announce it to us, you'll have to post it on your own blog. [Incidentally, I assumed my site was a hit for that search because I've linked to this Darren more than once. Not so. The Darren I'd mentioned that time was actually the one on "Bewitched." I don't think he ever cheated on Jenny, either.]
  
  
• Psalty Fan Club - No way. Psalty's got a fan club? Somebody tell Rod and Todd Flanders.
  
  
• Lazy Town Stefanie - If I ever start a band (which is unlikely, considering my lack of talent for either singing or playing an instrument), I'm totally calling it Lazy Town. That or "Spider-Man Unitard," which has also shown up in my referrals more than once. Or is Lazy Town already a band name, and that's what this searcher was looking for? Regardless, this one is probably the least surprising item in the list, since I have probably referred to my laziness no less than 27 times in the 11 months since I started this blog. I guess I had it coming.
  
  
• Is revealing cleavage in work place appropriate - I suppose it depends on where you work, but as a general rule, I'm gonna go with "No."
  
  
• When teen says she "made out" with someone what does it mean? - The same thing it meant when you were a teen, probably. If this isn't in your lexicon, I'm guessing you didn't have a very interesting rumspringa.
  
  
• Leggy magician assistants - Chris, was that you? (Oh. Sorry. I mean "Anonymous." Not Chris. Yeah.)
  
  
• Tyra Banks weighs 150 pounds - See? I'm not the only one who doesn't believe it.
  
  
• Are gauchos considered professional clothing - If you're a South American cattle herder, sure. If not, again I'm gonna have to go with "No."
  
  
• Drunk cheerleaders kissing and making out - Seriously?? No, really--seriously? All I have to say here is "Boy, do you have the wrong blog."
  
  
• Stefanie Hooters - Again, this really isn't that kind of site. And there's a reason my picture isn't anywhere on it. (Though that reason really has nothing to do with Hooters.)
  

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* Otherwise known as the obligatory "guess what wacky things people typed into search engines to end up here" post that every blogger publishes periodically. I am nothing if not a joiner, clearly.
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Update: "Lazy Town Stefanie" showed up in my site referrals again yesterday, which I guess isn't a big surprise, considering I wrote the exact phrase right out like that. (I can't wait to get more people coming here looking for "drunk cheerleaders kissing and making out" now, too.) Anyway, apparently this is what people are looking for. Clearly I'm not up on my trippy kid's television shows.