Friday, November 07, 2008

The good ones may be hard to find, but the not-so-good ones are everywhere

So I'm trolling listings online again, glutton for punishment amusement that I am. Surprisingly, there are at least five men who've caught my interest, but no definitive word yet on whether I've caught any of theirs. Meanwhile, the crop of profiles that test my faith in this whole process is as large as ever. I'm taking a little liberty with my "30 Dates in 30 Days" theme today in the interest of revisiting the Friday Five game I seem to have abandoned indefinitely.

I present you with...

Five men I will NOT be going on any dates with

  1. The guy whose tagline reads, "Hey ladys if your looking for the some what boy next door thats me. Fun loving easy going just a man who's up for just about anything." People, in my profile I include punctuation as an interest and I suggest that my perfect match will confidently know the difference between "your" and "you're." I am well aware that both those items might turn some prospects off, but decided that the men who would be annoyed are likely not the ones I want to meet anyway. My profile might as well say "Bookish nerd seeks same." Does the fact that this man winked at me mean that A) he did not actually read my profile, B) he honestly thinks he has a grasp on grammar and punctuation, or C) he's conducting a social experiment? I do not know.

  2. The guy who said, "I do not have a life partner. It is just a search to find the right person. The right person would make the world perfect." I'm going to ignore the part about a woman making his life perfect and just focus on that first sentence. Are there people on Catch dot Mom (copyright Liz) who actually have found their life partner? If so, what are they doing there? I'm going to say that first part should go without saying, but perhaps I'm just a little naive.

  3. Anyone with a blurry photo no larger than a postage stamp, or strangely featuring a Senior pictures-like pose. (These two gentlemen just winked at me. Am I being closed-minded by clicking "Not interested"?)

  4. The guy who claimed to be a 41-year-old "intellectual jewish boy," but wrote a message in the style of a 14-year-old child. You think I'm exaggerating. I am not. Here it is:

    Hey Stephanie hope your happy today, it seems like most people in the cities are, but I'm still waiting to here about Al Franken, (he's like my Brothers hero) I got him a T shirt and need to go mail it to him.Anyway my computer is completely fakacked all sorts of errors and virus's on it. I'm not that savey so I need to either take it to someone or buy a new one, I'm not sure which would be cheaperhope your having a nice day

    Note the repeated misuse of "your," the multiple misspellings (including my name), the entirely arbitrary punctuation and capitalization, and the utter lack of content of any import.

  5. Any guy whose tagline says, "I promise to lie about where we met." Really? Are we really still doing that "fake-ashamed to be here" thing? I'm here; you're here. And most of our friends probably met online. Get over it.

Remind me again why I'm doing this?


Mickey said...

I'm glad you're taking liberties with your theme. You have that power.

Is this a vote, 'cause I say #4.

Aaron said...

Dude, really with the horrible spelling? What the eff, people? Do they not understand that this is like applying for a job, and that handing in a resume with copious typos and a coffee stain does not look good?

Angela said...

I will wake up tomorrow and still be laughing at this post. Those pasty senior-looking pictures...

Purplegirl said...

Hey, new here. I'm having the same problems with online dating... The bad grammar stuff is killing me. As are emails that just say, "Hey, how are you?" or give me nothing to answer back. I worry that I'm being too picky, but I would like to have some standards! Then again, I really just need some action, if you know what I'm saying andIthinkthatyoudo. :)

Allie said...

Wow. The baseball cap guy kind of looks like his mom still shops for him.

Okay, that was really mean of me. But that's what it looks like.

flurrious said...

I have to agree with allie. Baseball Cap Guy looks a little special. On the other hand, Postage Stamp Guy looks like Uncle Fester, although at least Fester had the decency to put on a cassock instead of posing for a picture in his undershirt.

Simone said...

Just know that everyone has to weed through the prospective dates. It sucks, but at least we can get a little humor out of it! Still laughing at Flurrious' comments.

Stefanie said...

Mickey--No, it is not a vote, but thanks for playing anyway. (I'll go to SOME lengths for blog fodder, but going out with that guy is not something I'm willing to do.)

Aaron--Really. And there are SO MANY OF THEM writing like that! I fear for what online communication will look like ten years from now, when it's all kids who grew up with instant messaging and texting and spell check. Have you seen "Idiocracy"? I keep saying it's scary cautionary tale. This only confirms that.

Ang--Do you want me to forward you that guy's profile? I know you want to find him, right? :-)

Purplegirl--Welcome! And, WORD on the content-less emails. How am I supposed to know if you want me to write back, when you give me NOTHING to build on??

Allie--Ha! I was totally thinking what Flurrious thought (about him being "special"), but I didn't have the nerve to say it myself. Special men have just as much a right to find someone as anyone else does. But that doesn't mean he's a good match for ME.

Flurrious--Um, will you write all my NaBlo posts for me? (What do you mean, that defeats the point?) You make everything twelve times funnier than I do. Save the "A" material for your own blog! ;-)

Simone--I know, and I know (but it's still alarming). And Flurrious always cracks me up. :-)

The Dutchess of Kickball said...

There are clearly some crazy men online.

MplsMel said...

Wow. This is precisely why I am not looking forward to dating online again. Ugh. I can't believe that people would even present themselves that way. Is it that difficult to learn how to spell and construct a sentence?

lizgwiz said...

Picture number two is hilarious. Between the baseball cap and the cheesy pose--how could you rule him out? Hee.

I've decided men never actually read the profile--they just look at the picture. How else to explain the number of neocons who approach me? I've decided "politically progressive" is too ambiguous, so I'm thinking of saying straight out "I will never knock boots with someone who thought Sarah Palin was an acceptable option for V.P." I also have a paragraph about being a grammar nerd, and that hasn't screened out the "hope your happy" guys for me, either. Sigh.

Alice said...

i absoulutely reject any man who writes in textspeak, cannot use punctuation, and/or cannot differentiate between your/you're or their/they're. and i refuse to feel bad about it :-)