Monday, November 10, 2008

I also like rainy days and movies... Uh, nooo, I don't like that. No, it's not that I'm afraid. I'm gonna hang up now. Bye-bye.

OK, this latest round of online dating adventures? Not going so well, in fact. It turns out my initial optimism about the current crop of profiles may have been misplaced. Shocking, I know. In my past experience with this sort of thing, it's usually been such a rousing success!

(Wait a second. Are you new here? Just checking whether I need to explain what's blatant hyperbole and what is not.)

The other night, I wasted a full hour of my life that I cannot get back clicking through all 18 pages of profiles that meet the somewhat reasonable search parameters I have set. Entirely too many of them made me weep for the future of language and made me fear yet again that Idiocracy was our fate and not just a cautionary tale. Another large (sometimes overlapping) portion of them offered nothing unique or compelling whatsoever; it's as though every man with an online profile wrote it from the same template full of now stock-standard cliches developed in 1994. You know--gems like...

I'm just a simple guy looking for the girl next door.

I'd like to find a girl who's just as comfortable in heels as tennis shoes, who looks great whether she's in sweats or a little black dress.

I'm just as happy going out for a nice dinner or cuddling on the couch at home.

Newsflash, gentlemen: I'm not convinced "simple" is the best word to use to sell yourself. Also, I'm going to venture to say that by now most of us have mastered the art of dressing ourselves appropriately for the occasion and that the majority of us neither want to go out nor stay home every single night.

Given how depressing it can get clicking through page after page of near identically bland profiles, the rare diamond in the rough is pretty exciting and notable. Like the guy I found yesterday, who is tall, hip, local, handy, and capable of stringing together several coherent sentences in a row. With jokes! His one downfall, as he sees it? He's a lousy speller. If that's true, he's rightfully employed a spell checker or a friend to edit, because there were no secret/secrete mishaps in his dating resume. Hooray! Better yet, I meet at least half of the criteria in his "What I'm looking for" list... No, really! I'm a good story teller! I'm comfortable with who I am! (Mostly.) I sometimes have a friendly smile! And the last item on his list? "A good speller." People, I HAD to email him, right?

So I did. I titled my message, "You're in luck," and I began it with, "I'm an award-winning speller." I briefly explained my victory at our city's first bar-based spelling bee, but since several months of sharing this story with various near-strangers hasn't yet won the praise and accolades you'd think it might, I quickly followed up this information by acknowledging I'm a legend only in my own mind. Then I complimented him on his profile, calling out just a few tidbits of note, kept it short and sweet, and hit Send.

His reply? Perplexing. Here's an excerpt--his final paragraph:

You seem really smart, so I must warn you. I'm the dumbest guy who ever graduated from college, and I'm pretty rough around the edges. You'd kill me at Boggle, even if I cheated... I can't remember the last book I read. Anyway, what I'm getting at is that I might not be the right guy for you.

Help me out, friends, because I'm a bit baffled. Did I really just get rejected for being too smart? Did I get rejected for being smart, when guys like these still think I'm in their league? This is either a prime example of sarcasm falling flat in text or the strangest "I'm not interested" message I've gotten yet. I must not be as smart as he thinks I am, because I'm honestly not quite sure which.

15 comments:

steve said...

Sounds to me like he's toying with you. I've no idea why, but for the sake of your loyal readers, I vote you play along. ;)

Monkey said...

Steve, I disagree. Games before even meeting. Oy! Life is too short for that.

3carnations said...

He's looking for "I'm sure you're not dumb." I say you meet for a game of Boggle and decide for yourself.

Neurotic Grad Student said...

I do not envy you having to decipher the madness that is the email correspondence of a future maybe dater. I say you should give him a face to face meeting just to straighten this all out!!

Noelle said...

It's been my experience that most people who claim to be dumb are in fact, dumb. Actually, it's the same for people who claim to be smart.

lizgwiz said...

Way to sell yourself, dude. Sheesh. Or he has a really bizarre sense of humor. In which case...no, still sheesh.

jen said...

That is really weird. Did the rest of the email seem like he was interested or no? Maybe just ask him -- dude. are you trying to tell me that I should expect you to drool on your plate at dinner, or are you telling me you're not interested and there will thus never be any dinner?

Very cute message to him at least, excellent work -- so annoying when you think of something clever and they just don't seem to get it.

Mickey said...

It's the "can't remember the last book I read" part that worries me. People who don't read worry me, and I know you are a reader.

Maybe he actually had someone else write his whole profile for him and he knows for a fact he can't keep up with the likes of you.

Miss Pants said...

Ug, that is ANNOYING! I'm with Monkey, screw games before meeting!

I 100% understand your dating profile frustrations. Pretty much EVERY profile is chock full of generic bullshit. That's why when I saw a cutie who declared himself a lover of video games with excellent hygiene, I jumped all over him. :)

Courtney said...

Methinks he's just looking for a booty call, and you don't seem like that kind of girl.

He doesn't remember the last book he read AND is admittedly dumb? Loser. Don't waste your time.

Sauntering Soul said...

Wow, perplexing is right. Maybe if it was supposed to be a joke and you don't respond he'll understand it didn't go over like he thought it would and will write you again. And then again, perhaps he's being truthful and he really is dumb and you just saved yourself some wasted time.

nancypearlwannabe said...

Dudes are weird. I guess it's lucky you didn't scan a copy of your Mensa card to send as an email attachment to him, along with a printed list of all the books you've ever read.

abbersnail said...

I agree with Noelle... when people make blanket statements about themselves, they are usually telling you the truth. For instance, that one Match guy who told me that my butt was going to get bigger upon getting a rock on my finger? He totally told me he was an asshole on our first date. I thought he was being cute. Nope.

I say drop him and move on, sister. You're about eleventy billion times too good for that crap.

flurrious said...

When a guy gives you any version of, "I'm not good enough for you," then either (a) they mean it, they are correct, and you should pass, or (b) they don't mean it, they are correct nonetheless, and you should pass.

Aaron said...

What a dumbass. The mere fact that you're even left wondering what he means says that this gentleman has failed, utterly.