(Wait a second. Are you new here? Just checking whether I need to explain what's blatant hyperbole and what is not.)
The other night, I wasted a full hour of my life that I cannot get back clicking through all 18 pages of profiles that meet the somewhat reasonable search parameters I have set. Entirely too many of them made me weep for the future of language and made me fear yet again that Idiocracy was our fate and not just a cautionary tale. Another large (sometimes overlapping) portion of them offered nothing unique or compelling whatsoever; it's as though every man with an online profile wrote it from the same template full of now stock-standard cliches developed in 1994. You know--gems like...
I'm just a simple guy looking for the girl next door.
I'd like to find a girl who's just as comfortable in heels as tennis shoes, who looks great whether she's in sweats or a little black dress.
I'm just as happy going out for a nice dinner or cuddling on the couch at home.
Newsflash, gentlemen: I'm not convinced "simple" is the best word to use to sell yourself. Also, I'm going to venture to say that by now most of us have mastered the art of dressing ourselves appropriately for the occasion and that the majority of us neither want to go out nor stay home every single night.
Given how depressing it can get clicking through page after page of near identically bland profiles, the rare diamond in the rough is pretty exciting and notable. Like the guy I found yesterday, who is tall, hip, local, handy, and capable of stringing together several coherent sentences in a row. With jokes! His one downfall, as he sees it? He's a lousy speller. If that's true, he's rightfully employed a spell checker or a friend to edit, because there were no secret/secrete mishaps in his dating resume. Hooray! Better yet, I meet at least half of the criteria in his "What I'm looking for" list... No, really! I'm a good story teller! I'm comfortable with who I am! (Mostly.) I sometimes have a friendly smile! And the last item on his list? "A good speller." People, I HAD to email him, right?
So I did. I titled my message, "You're in luck," and I began it with, "I'm an award-winning speller." I briefly explained my victory at our city's first bar-based spelling bee, but since several months of sharing this story with various near-strangers hasn't yet won the praise and accolades you'd think it might, I quickly followed up this information by acknowledging I'm a legend only in my own mind. Then I complimented him on his profile, calling out just a few tidbits of note, kept it short and sweet, and hit Send.
His reply? Perplexing. Here's an excerpt--his final paragraph:
You seem really smart, so I must warn you. I'm the dumbest guy who ever graduated from college, and I'm pretty rough around the edges. You'd kill me at Boggle, even if I cheated... I can't remember the last book I read. Anyway, what I'm getting at is that I might not be the right guy for you.
Help me out, friends, because I'm a bit baffled. Did I really just get rejected for being too smart? Did I get rejected for being smart, when guys like these still think I'm in their league? This is either a prime example of sarcasm falling flat in text or the strangest "I'm not interested" message I've gotten yet. I must not be as smart as he thinks I am, because I'm honestly not quite sure which.