I decided to ignore the "private label millionaire dating site" message, but I did respond to the relationship question one--as best I could, anyway. I'm no Cary Tennis--never thought I'd have any reason to be, actually. I wondered for only a second or two why a total stranger would write to me (me!) for relationship advice, but quickly realized I know why someone would. Because sometimes, when you're battling your own brain, running through the same cluster of feelings over and over, you just need someone else's take--a neutral third party who can try to look at it with some fresh perspective, in a way that your friends (who are too close to it, and have likely heard the story a hundred times) cannot. In my life (since I've had a blog, anyway), that's often where the Internet comes in. You guys are smart, level-headed people who have often been the voice of support and reason and differing perspectives at many points when I've needed it. You guys love to help, and you're good at it. How's about helping someone else out today, too?
Below is the message I received from a reader I didn't even know was out there. I thought that if what she needs is some neutral perspectives, why not put it out to more of the Internet than just me? (Note: Yes, I got the message sender's permission before posting this.) Do you guys have any words of wisdom for her?
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You don't know me from Adam, but I am a regular reader of your blog. I am having a relationship issue and thought I would ask your honest opinion about it, since I'm so frustrated about the whole thing.
Five months ago a six-year relationship ended. We lived together for the last three years of that relationship. He worked a commission only job and worked all the time, even when he was home. So, there was not a lot of time for us to do things together. And he was miserable at the job, so the miserableness (is that a word?) carried over into our daily life.
We decided to end things this past June because we just did not know what else to do.
Well, between moving and working like a fiend and even working for my dad part time I did not fully allow myself the time to process or grieve the ending of the relationship.
Fast-forward to about a month ago. My ex calls (we had been in touch a handful of times, just to check up and see how the other was doing) and says the girl he has been dating for five weeks is an alcoholic and a few times violent and it's now over. So, being the good person and friend that I am, we talk for three hours about it. And a few days after that he invites me to go with him and his family to see a movie, which I do, and upon seeing him and going out and all of that I decide I want to give our relationship another chance, as we are both good, decent people, and I've come to the realization that when you find love, you have to try to hold on to it as tight as you can.
So, after that night a few days later I find out that he is considering getting back together with the alcoholic, because he is "drawn" to her and wants to give that another shot.
Well, I decide to lay it all out on the line and I write two long e-mails to him detailing that I want to get back together, et cetera.
Well, in effect, he chooses her and three days later they are broken up again and have been ever since. And, of course, he contacts me and wants to talk about it.
Now, in all of this, when we split, he could not keep up the apartment we had, so he moved back in with his Dad and is trying to get his life together. He has started a new job, which he loves, and is trying to get his life on track.
After the second breakup with the alcoholic we see each other a few more times and it's great, and he's somewhat affectionate, but he says he needs time to figure out if he wants to give us a second shot.
Okay. Fine. Giving him his space. But then I realize that what am I waiting for? Some lightbulb to go off in his head that says, oh, I'm so great, and he'll come back to me?
So, we talk today on the phone and I'm like I don't know what I'm doing, waiting around, and he says he is going to do some serious soul-searching because he can't continue to leave me in la-la land, and he doesn't know what's holding him back from saying, yes, let's give it a shot. He says he loves me, I'm a great girl.
And I told him to not decide that yes, he wants to get back together because he is afraid of losing me as a friend. That's the risk he'll be taking, as I've made it crystal clear that it's one or the other. I can't be friends with him if he's dating someone else.
And I'm thinking WTF am I doing? I don't want someone who doesn't want me. I'M NOT THAT GIRL!!!!
I'm 34 and tired. And to think that THIS is included in God's plan for me. He has a very funny sense of humor.
Any insight? I feel like a mental patient sometimes.
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