Me? Eh. I don't know. It sort of felt disjointed and rushed. I realize it's not easy to cram 500+ pages into a two-hour movie while remaining true enough to the tiny details of the plot to keep the preteen uber-fans happy, but I couldn't help thinking that the whole thing had been pieced together from a handful of key events in the book, minus the context or buildup around any of those events. I'm not sure it would have stood up on its own, had I (and seemingly everyone else in the sold-out theater with me) not already read the book.
It sort of reminded me of the Angry Alien "Bun-o-Vision" production of It's a Wonderful Life in 30 seconds, re-enacted by bunnies. [Are you not familiar with that web phenomenon? Go ahead. Take half a minute to watch it. I'll wait. And incidentally, woah. The bunnies have been busy since the last time I visited their site. Their library has grown! They've now got Office Space! Sixteen Candles! March of the Penguins! (My two-cents: If you haven't yet seen that last one, save yourself the time and just watch the 30-second recap instead.)]
I was trying to decide what the 30-second Bun-o-Vision recap of Twilight would actually look like, when I realized there's a note on the site saying that title is next up for them to create. Whoo! I'm sort of more excited to see that than I was to see the full-length film on the big screen. I have short-term memory problems when it comes to this sort of thing, however. Someone remind me to go back in a few months and look for it, OK?
I'm guessing the 30-second recap of Twilight won't be all that different from the two-hour version, though. I think it'll go something like this:
Bella: My mom got remarried, so I'm moving from Phoenix to Forks, to live with my dad. I'm pretty sure it's going to suck.
Bella: A big, beat-up old truck? Cool! Oh, hi Jacob. Yeah, I think I remember you.
Every boy at Forks high school: Hey, Arizona. You're pretty. Lemme show you to your next class. Oh, and will you go to prom with me?
Every girl at Forks high school: All the boys like you, so I guess we'd better be friends with you. Oh. Those are the Cullens. They're impossibly beautiful, but way weird. Don't talk to them.
Bella: Why does Edward Cullen hate me? What did I do to him? Do I smell?
Edward: I'm sorry I was rude to you. I love you. Watch me keep a van from crushing you, but don't ask me how I did it. Did I mention I love you?
Jacob: The Cullens don't come here. They're the cold ones. We're descended from wolves.
Jacob: Yeah. I know. It's just a silly story. You're pretty. Let's talk about something else.
Edward: I can read minds. Not yours, though. It's fairly maddening.
Bella: I've figured it out.
Edward: Say it. Say the word!
Edward: Are you scared?
Edward: You should be.
Bella: I fall down a lot. See that? Whoopsie.
Edward: It really is a lot of work looking after you. Did I mention I watch you sleep at night? Also, look! I'm all sparkly.
Bella: You're beautiful! It's like diamonds!
The Cullens: There's a storm coming. Let's play baseball! Uh oh. We've got visitors.
James: You brought a snack.
The Cullens: The girl is with us.
James: But she's a human! I must have her!
James: We'll see about that.
Edward: I WILL make you safe again, Bella! If it takes hiding you away in a hotel room with my pretend sister and her husband/pretend-brother, only to have you run away from them because a vampire tricked you into thinking he had your mother, so that I then have to rush in and rip him to shreds while you bleed on the floor of your old ballet studio, I WILL make you safe again!
Bella: And then we'll go to the prom?
Edward: Yes. Alice will loan you a dress.
Bella: Neato. I love you.
Edward: I love you more.
Victoria: This film better make enough money to warrant a sequel, because I've got some revenge to seek.
And... scene. Tell me: what did I inadvertently leave out?