Sunday, November 23, 2008

There's a reason I'm not a film reviewer, it seems

So. You are probably wondering what I thought of Twilight, right? What do you mean, "Not really"? OK, the five of you who also saw Twilight this weekend are maybe wondering what I thought of it. And I'm curious what the five of you thought as well.

Me? Eh. I don't know. It sort of felt disjointed and rushed. I realize it's not easy to cram 500+ pages into a two-hour movie while remaining true enough to the tiny details of the plot to keep the preteen uber-fans happy, but I couldn't help thinking that the whole thing had been pieced together from a handful of key events in the book, minus the context or buildup around any of those events. I'm not sure it would have stood up on its own, had I (and seemingly everyone else in the sold-out theater with me) not already read the book.

It sort of reminded me of the Angry Alien "Bun-o-Vision" production of It's a Wonderful Life in 30 seconds, re-enacted by bunnies. [Are you not familiar with that web phenomenon? Go ahead. Take half a minute to watch it. I'll wait. And incidentally, woah. The bunnies have been busy since the last time I visited their site. Their library has grown! They've now got Office Space! Sixteen Candles! March of the Penguins! (My two-cents: If you haven't yet seen that last one, save yourself the time and just watch the 30-second recap instead.)]

I was trying to decide what the 30-second Bun-o-Vision recap of Twilight would actually look like, when I realized there's a note on the site saying that title is next up for them to create. Whoo! I'm sort of more excited to see that than I was to see the full-length film on the big screen. I have short-term memory problems when it comes to this sort of thing, however. Someone remind me to go back in a few months and look for it, OK?

I'm guessing the 30-second recap of Twilight won't be all that different from the two-hour version, though. I think it'll go something like this:

Bella: My mom got remarried, so I'm moving from Phoenix to Forks, to live with my dad. I'm pretty sure it's going to suck.

Bella: A big, beat-up old truck? Cool! Oh, hi Jacob. Yeah, I think I remember you.

Every boy at Forks high school: Hey, Arizona. You're pretty. Lemme show you to your next class. Oh, and will you go to prom with me?

Every girl at Forks high school: All the boys like you, so I guess we'd better be friends with you. Oh. Those are the Cullens. They're impossibly beautiful, but way weird. Don't talk to them.

Bella: Why does Edward Cullen hate me? What did I do to him? Do I smell?

Edward: I'm sorry I was rude to you. I love you. Watch me keep a van from crushing you, but don't ask me how I did it. Did I mention I love you?

Jacob: The Cullens don't come here. They're the cold ones. We're descended from wolves.

Bella: What?

Jacob: Yeah. I know. It's just a silly story. You're pretty. Let's talk about something else.

Edward: I can read minds. Not yours, though. It's fairly maddening.

Bella: I've figured it out.

Edward: Say it. Say the word!

Bella: Vampire!

Edward: Are you scared?

Bella: No.

Edward: You should be.

Bella: I fall down a lot. See that? Whoopsie.

Edward: It really is a lot of work looking after you. Did I mention I watch you sleep at night? Also, look! I'm all sparkly.

Bella: You're beautiful! It's like diamonds!

The Cullens: There's a storm coming. Let's play baseball! Uh oh. We've got visitors.

James: You brought a snack.

The Cullens: The girl is with us.

James: But she's a human! I must have her!

Edward: Never!

James: We'll see about that.

Edward: I WILL make you safe again, Bella! If it takes hiding you away in a hotel room with my pretend sister and her husband/pretend-brother, only to have you run away from them because a vampire tricked you into thinking he had your mother, so that I then have to rush in and rip him to shreds while you bleed on the floor of your old ballet studio, I WILL make you safe again!

Bella: And then we'll go to the prom?

Edward: Yes. Alice will loan you a dress.

Bella: Neato. I love you.

Edward: I love you more.

Victoria: This film better make enough money to warrant a sequel, because I've got some revenge to seek.

And... scene. Tell me: what did I inadvertently leave out?


Alice said...

so i haven't seen twilight. or.. technically.. read the books. but your theoretical bun-o-vision recap was still better than i anticipate either the books OR the movies to be.

Rachel said...

I read the book yesterday and I would say that pretty much covers it.

Craig said...

Um. Hello. I don't see the word "sparkle" anywhere in your script.

nancypearlwannabe said...

Yeah, the sparkling effect was the worst. Although, I kind of liked how disjointed it was. It was sort of like saying, if you didn't read the book then WHY ARE YOU HERE?

Chris's synopsis: It was the best bad movie he's seen in a while.

The Dutchess of Kickball said...

I was going to say you forgot the sparkling, but that was covered. I think you touched on all the rest of the key points though. Excellent recap.

Stefanie said...

Doh. You guys are right. How could I forget the sparklyness? Also, the mind reading! Whoops. Edited to remedy that...

Noelle said...

I love the internet and your blog, because I can now keep up with the gist of certain pop culture items that I'd rather not spend time and/or money on.


Courtney said...

I haven't read the books or seen the movie, but I never like a movie based on a book if I've read the book first. Your description is dead-on -- they always take the key events and leave out the development.

That said, I probably will get around to reading Twilight and watching the movie.

lizgwiz said...

We had a discussion yesterday at readers' club about how none of us have read any of the Twilight books and, further, how none of us gets why we would WANT to. ;)

Jess said...

I keep reading posts about this movie but I haven't seen it or even read the book, so I can't comment. And I'm really going to keep it that way, I think.

abbersnail said...

I haven't seen the movie yet, but you did a pretty good job with the books! You are hilarious.

Aaron said...

I have nothing non-snarky to add here, although I will say this is how I've felt about most of the Harry Potter movies, especially that last one, which has pretty much turned me off for good (from the adaptations, I mean).

Sarah B. said...

Freakin' hysterical! I love the books, not really interested in having the movie ruin it for me now. Thanks for saving me $12.

Lara said...

This was an excellent, excellent recap. I saw the movie last night and could not stop laughing. I would personally add a whole bunch of smoldering looks from pretty much everyone (ooh! And especially JASPER! Hahahaha!), the hilarity that is Mike Dexter from Can't Hardly Wait as Carlisle Cullen (oh so pale!), the extreme diversity of the "cool crowd" at school, Charlie's resemblance to Johnny Drama on Entourage, and Bella's gigantic front teeth and excessive blinking.

Hmm. I think perhaps I'll copy and paste this comment and turn it into a blog post.