Sunday, November 09, 2008

The Virgin

Whenever people talk to me about meMarmony, it is generally with an air of dubiousness. Never mind all those happy, smiling couples on the commercials; word in my online and offline social circles is that NO ONE is having any luck on that site.

When I find myself in those conversations, I can't help but throw Dr. Warren a bone. No, I did not find my soul mate on meMarmony, and I am tired enough of their hoops and dead ends that I can pretty confidently say I am done with that site for good. But the truth is, I actually met several perfectly nice, very decent, entirely normal men on meMarmony who would likely be excellent boyfriend or husband candidates for any number of women who are not me.

In fact, I can honestly say I have no horror stories from my stints on meMarmony. I could even almost say my experience was fully weirdo-free. Almost. And then I remember The Virgin.

Online dating is a constant learning experience, and The Virgin was the first guy to teach me that meeting sooner rather than later is the best plan. Via e-mail, The Virgin was charming and clever. I actually found myself getting a little optimistic about him. And then he called me. And called me. And called me again, all just to ramble on about his day and never actually suggesting we schedule an in-person meeting. It was almost as though he thought we were in a relationship already, even though we'd never actually seen each other face-to-face. If we were in a relationship, he would have known I am not a phone person. Keeping a near-stranger company while he's running server logs at work is generally not my idea of a good time.

Eventually, I sent him a message asking, "So, quick question. Should we meet in person at some point, or are you just looking for an e-mail pen pal sort of thing?" He replied apologizing for being so slow, and we made plans to get together for drinks later that week.

I don't even remember most of what we talked about, but I do remember he had a strange, twitchy demeanor and that he dug himself in a conversational hole more times than even I ever have in a single evening. I kept wanting to give him the benefit of the doubt, kept hoping that the clever guy I'd been trading e-mails with was in there somewhere. During the course of our conversation, though, I remember him saying all of the following:

"I guess I'm kinda creepy..."

and later,

"I don't know; maybe I'm gay..."

and the one I remember most,

"I've never actually slept with anyone before."

That last one came while he was talking about his sleep apnea. I asked what it felt like, or what it meant, and as part of his explanation, he said, "I don't snore or anything..." I replied, "How do you know? Oh, I suppose ex-girlfriends have probably told you, huh?" He had mentioned an ex who he'd been with for close to two years, and since he was 34, owned his own home, and was not at all religious, I figured it was a safe bet in these modern times that she'd slept over at least once. Apparently not.

At first, I actually wasn't sure whether or not he was joking, so I ignored the "I've never slept with anyone" comment and moved on. He brought it up again, though, about ten minutes later. I can only assume that meant he was serious.

In all honesty, his sexual history (or lack thereof) was not important to me. Things happen; things don't happen... it's all fairly arbitrary. Plus, this is me we're talking about. Late bloomer, remember? I don't actually care that he was a 34-year-old virgin. But did he really need to tell me that on a first date? Did he need to tell me twice? I'm gonna go with "No."

Halfway through the awkward date that felt more like a therapy session, I was fairly certain I would never see this guy again, but I kept up the chit-chat through another drink anyway. I remember it was a painfully cold night, so I managed to escape after the date unusually quickly, with an "It's entirely too cold out here to chit-chat, so have a good rest of your night!" No hug, no "Would you like to get together again sometime?" I was out of there and sprinting back to my car in a flash.

I heard from him again, of course. It was early in my meMarmony experience, so rather than give him the standard "You're great, but I don't feel any chemistry" speech, I lied and said I'd met someone else and wanted to see how that would pan out. It wasn't fully a lie; I actually had been on a few dates with someone I could see myself continuing to get to know. Three dates in, though, that guy gave me the "I'm seeing someone else who I think I like better" line himself, and it all came cruelly full circle. He's a story for another time, though. Or rather, a story I've probably already told. Take your pick.

15 comments:

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nancypearlwannabe said...

Oh my god, you got a dating ad in your comments! That is hilarious. 100% money back guarantee for profiles written NOT BY YOU.

Talk about creepy.

Anyway, I admire you for being open-minded about a 34 year old virgin. I would have been all, "oh HELL no". Proving, once again, you are a better woman than I.

The Dutchess of Kickball said...

Wow, that is so much worse than the kind of guy who talks about his ex (a lot) on a first date. Awkward!

lizgwiz said...

My one MeMarmony face-to-face date (Ordinary Guy) involved that whole "going too long without actually meeting" thing, too. I think something about MeMarmony must encourage that. I don't think Ordinary Guy was a virgin, but I didn't think to ask. He did seem like a big ol' mama's boy, though. Heh.

Courtney said...

Dating ad as a comment! Ha!

That guy was awfully forthcoming with the personal information for a first date. Hey, at least he put it all out there so you didn't waste any more time with him.

Anonymous said...

Fellow Minnesotan here; long time lurker, but first time commenter. As a straight male, I just had to chime in that under no circumstance is another straight male going to say:

"I don't know; maybe I'm gay..."

Especially on a date.

Case closed.

Neurotic Grad Student said...

I guess it's wrong of me, but I think I'd hold the virgin thing against a guy. Especially if he brought it up more than one time. Oh, yeah. Especially then.

Alice said...

haaaaaa. i've got to say, i'd hold the virginity against him too. because no guy gets to be 34 without managing to bang a girl if he wanted to bang a girl. either he's gay, or he's waaaaay too religious for it to ever work anyway. judgy? perhaps. do i care? meh :-)

3carnations said...

"I guess I'm kinda creepy" - Can't believe he didn't sweep you off your feet with that one. Heh.

Sauntering Soul said...

I tried meMarmony for a bit and it was a complete disaster. My first date post-divorce was with a meMarmony guy. He warned me ahead of time that he had a really bad limp from some sort of injury he had suffered earlier in his life. I would have been totally cool with him having a limp but the fact that he told me down to the exact change - tax included - how much I owed him for my ham and cheese sandwich from the deli we met at FOR A FIRST DATE ON A SATURDAY NIGHT kind of ruined it for me. When he added that it would also be okay if I'd like to add more for a tip I think I laughed.

flurrious said...

The ending to this story sounds suspiciously like the, "something suddenly came up," episode of The Brady Bunch. Have you ever been hit in the nose with a football? Just curious.

I wonder how John, Founder of Dating-profile.com, managed to find your blog so quickly. Maybe it's part of his business plan to get a Google Alert on the word "virgin."

badger reader said...

Wow.
Although it was not disclosed on a first date (thank goodness) it bothered me to have to flat out ask my late-blooming guy about his virginity since it did not come up in (what I would consider) a timely fashion. Amusing that my conversation into that realm started because of a snoring discussion and I had the same assumptions as you did.
Also don't listen to John, I am sure your online profiles are not only well punctuated, but also fantastic!

Mickey said...

Your obsessive use of the term "meMarmony" is all for naught! You have been crashed!

Good post, though. And you should be commended for your quick escape at the end of that date.

Aaron said...

Good gravy, Stefanie! Maybe getting rejected by MeMarmony was the best thing to ever happen to me, if your experience is any indication.

Miss Pants said...

I'm pretty sure the first internet date I ever went on was with The Virgin. Did he live in the bay area, at some point? At the end of the date, he shoved his dry, icky tongue in my completely off-guard mouth. I still have nightmares.