I'm going to try not to let this get to me

So I know this is making the rounds*, and therefore you've probably already seen it. Maybe even more than once. But you haven't seen it from me yet, and that, of course, makes it fully worth posting. Whoo boy. Only two days into this NaBloPoMo (HeyHoSoCo? SoHoSloMo? MarioCuomo? Um, whatever; moving on...) deal, and already I'm resorting to Internet meme-like things. Whoopie. This is bound to be a more than red-letter month!

Anyway, the idea is you upload a self photo, and this high-tech computerized thingy tells you which celebrities could maybe pass for your long-lost sibling. Or which celebrities you might be mistaken for in an ominous, dark alley. You know, if you're the type to frequent ominous, dark alleys. Or if you look like the sort of celebrity who would.

Whatever the point or purpose, I finally decided to play along. And wow, am I ever glad I did. See, before now, the only celebrity I recall anyone ever comparing me to was Jennifer Garner. I'm not saying that I particularly fancy myself any sort of Jennifer Garner look-alike; I'm just saying I've actually heard it more than once. Then again, the first time someone said it, I was wearing a blue wig and pleather pants (for my tattoo artist costume, which I wore, coincidentally, the same year Alias went on the air), and the second time someone said it, it was someone who was more than likely trying to have sex with me. So really, maybe neither of these can be deemed a reliable source. I have, however, seen a photo of my mother taken when my older sister was just a tiny baby, and thought, "Hey. Mom looks sort of like Jennifer Garner in that picture!" So if I look anything at all like my mother (which, unfortunately, I'm told that I do), this really isn't as far-off and downright ridiculous as it may seem.

In any case, the Celebrity Look-Alike Finder did not, as you may have suspected, decide that I look anything like Ms. Garner, during her Alias stint or otherwise. No, instead, it decided to offer these terribly flattering suggestions.



Let's review, shall we?

I will try, for a moment, to ignore the obvious complaint, which is that six-eighths of these people are MEN. Clearly the Look-Alike Finder is an equal-opportunity matcher. Perhaps it thinks some of these guys could quite possibly be my near-identical brother. Or, in the case of Larry King, my father. Seriously... Larry King? Or Elvis Costello? You have got to be kidding me.

Apparently the closest match for me (at an alarming 83%) is Aki Hakala, who I'll admit I've never heard of, apparently because I've somehow managed to miss the Finnish TV series Siamin tytot. Chester Bennington** came in at 76%, which I find equally curious since the only similarity I can see in our photos is the thick, black plastic glasses.

In fact, I'm pretty sure the glasses are the only common factor in all of these supposed matches. It seems the Look-Alike Finder just scanned its database for thick, dark frames and popped all finds into my list. No computer is perfect, of course, so it also interpreted Jennifer Love Hewitt's raccoon-like eye makeup as a pair of glasses and added her to my matches as well. It's an honest mistake, I suppose.

To test out this theory, I tried the search again, using a slightly less recent picture of me, with my old, less prominent wire frames. (You know, the ones you saw here, in case you want a reference point.) That gave me Molly Ringwald and Sarah Silverman (a suggestion I'm actually a lot happier with, I must say). But it also gave me Zac Hanson (Yes; that Zac Hanson. Really I don't see it.)

The only celebrity to show up in both lists (also in two different types of glasses frames)? Matthew Lillard. What do you think? Should I contact him for possible stunt-double work? Yeah, I think not.



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* By that, I mean the blog rounds, or blounds, of course. (That was for you, Red.)

** Perhaps this is a good time to mention that I secretly sort of love Linkin Park, despite all the very good reasons I shouldn't. But I still don't think I look like him. Not even a little bit. (Though I suppose that, in the end, it doesn't really maaaatter-er-er-er-er-er.***)

*** Yes, I am doing a footnote to a footnote. I'm reckless with structure like that. Anyway, if you secretly or not-so-secretly love Linkin Park, too, then perhaps you got this reference and actually sang along in your head, giving the word "matter" the proper seven-syllables it's allotted. If not, well, then never mind. Nothing to see here; move along if you will.